heartache Archives - Owl Medicine: Shamanic Healing

Am I Bad?

Ok, you guys. Am I bad? We all know there are only 46 posts left for me to write before I reach my magic goal of 1111 consecutive entries; my 1111 Devotion. Many of you have been steadfast companions along this journey – giving me incentive to tackle the mountain one step at a time. “Pata y pata,” as the paqos said with sly smiles as Karl and I trekked, step by step, toward a glacial lagoon 14 years ago.

When I ask the question, “Am I bad?” I’m really only acknowledging that the newest members of our family will inevitably benefit all of us – including you, my dear companions on this trek. I have no doubt that Pacha and Brutus will make the next 46 days exponentially more pleasant for all of us. Why?

Because…PUPPIES. It really is that simple.

PachaPup – aka Bat Girl – Photo: L. Weikel

Transmuting Grief to Joy

There’s nothing like puppy (or kitten) energy to brighten our lives. And let’s face it: we’ve all been through the mill. The past almost three years have whipped us around physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, if we’re honest. And while I’ve tried to walk my invisible line that wavers between optimism and despair, I’ve also – always – striven for honesty.

I’ve felt some heartaches in the midst of the past 1065 nights that I’ve not shared. You guys don’t need to know every jot and tittle of my emotional landscape. But truth be told, those not shared, or at least alluded to, have been few and far between.

For the most part, I subscribe to the “a joy shared is doubled and a sorrow shared is halved” school of thought. And knowing you are on this journey with me has doubled my joys and halved my sorrows. But wow – I do know some of the sorrows, such as Spartacus’s sudden death, were hard on all of us.

Brutus hangin’ with his Blue Dog squeaky toy – Photo: L. Weikel

A Gift to All of Us

All of which is to say I honestly think the astonishing discovery and adoption of these puppies was a gift to all of us. The infusion of puppy energy into our home was, and is, palpably restorative. The pall that descended upon us at our loss of Spartacus was very nearly overwhelming. And I cannot thank all of you enough for the love and compassion we felt pouring in.

I do believe we’re in for a bunch more ‘stuff’ out there in the tumult of our society. There’s more upheaval coming. But Spartacus was right: I do need him. And I believe we need each other – and (apparently) a double dose of puppy energy – to get us through the next…what? At least the next 46 more days.

After that? I guess we’ll see.

But I promise you this: Brutus, Pacha, and I will provide you with plenty of photos documenting their puppyhood. It’s the least we can do for our friends. While I might be shameless in sharing our new babies, I hope you won’t think I’m too bad for it.

(T-46)

September Sunset – Photo: L. Weikel

Bummer

I wasn’t going to write about this tonight, but I have to tell you: it’s not easy coming up with something to write about every night. And that holds especially true when something kind of crappy happened during my day and it’s sort of the only thing that’s occupying my mind.

Well, there are a couple of understatements: ‘kind of crappy’ and ‘sort of the only thing that’s occupying my mind.’

I realize, believe me, that facing the fact that my car has two tires in the junk yard is a miniscule concern compared to so much of what so many other people are dealing with. I know that. But that doesn’t mean this isn’t big in my world at the moment.

Regardless, There’s No Comparison

Yeah, I write the words contained in that paragraph, above, but truthfully they ring hollow. Yeah, it stinks that my car is essentially irreparable and may conk out at any moment – and in such a manner as to render me stranded and the vehicle worthless.

But aren’t I lucky that I have the knowledge, in my back pocket, that I have AAA? Yes. I am.

And aren’t I lucky that I have the knowledge, deep within myself, that I will manifest a new car? Yes, I am.

So I call bullshit on myself.

There are simply so many things going on in the lives of people all around me, people I love and care about, people who are blood family and people who are Spirit family, people I don’t know well and those I don’t know at all, that are far worse than my car wearing out. Indeed, the very fact that I was able to take care of my car for 15 years, eke out 311,241 miles (and counting, if only by the hour!) out of her, and not have a car payment for ten years is amazing.

So, no.

Everything has a season – Photo: L. Weikel

Listening and Perspective

Because listening is so sacred to me, and because it is probably the greatest aspect of myself I can give to those around me, I can safely say that a day doesn’t go by that I don’t extend it to someone – at least one person – every day.

And lately, especially, I’ve noticed that there is a lot of upheaval in the world. People’s lives are being upended in astonishing ways: loss of loved ones (human and otherwise), profound betrayals and ugly realizations, prolonged struggles with depression and pernicious recurrences of hopelessness and despair. Fear of losing a job or the business that’s been cultivated for decades. Loneliness – even when surrounded by people or in long-term relationships that died long ago.

And of course on the world stage, there are people realizing the jig may be up – on so many levels and in so many life-altering ways.

All I Have

Meanwhile, here I am, enjoying so much. My family. My friends. My amazing four legged loves. The birds that frequent my feeders or soar above me when I ask for a message, or reveal themselves as I sit by the creek. My beloved Tohickon and the Lenape Sipu (Delaware River). My work and the amazing people I get to meet through what I do. My health.

Yes, I’m mostly speaking in generalities because to be specific feels like bragging, and that’s quite honestly the last thing I’m intending in this post.

How could I look at tonight’s sky and remain upset over my car? How could I, when I was able to walk with my best friend as the colors of the sunset deepened into an indigo that was hard to describe?

I couldn’t.

(T-791)