aspirations Archives - Owl Medicine: Shamanic Healing

Another Observation

As I sit here contemplating what I’m going to write this evening and how I’d like to spend my weekend, I’m struck by another observation. Even after an entire year of pandemic isolation, I still hear a voice in my head telling me that I do not have the luxury of spending a couple of days doing my version of ‘nothing.’

Now that I acknowledge that’s what I’m hearing in my head, I realize how weird and oddly repressive it is. Seriously. What’s with that? Why do I tell myself these things and perhaps more importantly, why do I succumb to the – what is it? – guilt?

Yes, I read some of the articles published early on in the pandemic entreating us to imagine what we could accomplish in our isolation. I pretty much knew they were bullshit from the start; but yeah, I also secretly told myself that I would indeed be able to accomplish a few of my treasured aspirations. I’d have no excuses.

I admit it: I held myself to a higher standard than I apply to others. I’m an introvert, I’d tell myself. These should be my power circumstances.

Not How It Plays Out

But that doesn’t seem to be the way life plays out. Our outer circumstances may change – even drastically – but if we don’t make a point of examining our inner landscape, it’s almost a given that we’ll end up getting nowhere. That’s because the obstacles and land mines we set for ourselves between where we are and where we tell ourselves we want to go are the most insidious. And if you really pay attention to that last sentence, you’ll see one of the biggest traps revealed.

“…where we tell ourselves we want to go.” Yeah. When was the last time I took the time to truly assess where I am in my life and then ask myself where I want to go and what else I want to accomplish?

How often do I tell myself I ‘have’ to do x, y, or z, when I would almost certainly be better served by plunking myself down and completing that course I signed up for three months ago? I was having so much fun with it! I was learning totally new skills and feeling a modicum of victoriousness (is that even a word?), when I suddenly put it at the bottom of my ‘to do’ list.

I’m Not Alone

Following on the heels of those early pandemic articles exhorting how much we might accomplish in our isolation if we just exercised some personal responsibility, I’ve recently noticed some articles that put a name to some of the disappointment and reticence over diving into new endeavors or returning to old ones: languishing.

I can’t say that I’m experiencing this with full-on intensity. But some of what I read in these articles rings familiar. And an even more interesting phenomenon that maybe feels a little more close to the bone than I’d like to admit is ‘revenge bedtime procrastination.’

Umm. Glancing at my watch…yeah.

Waxing Moon in Virgo – Photo: L. Weikel

(T-217)

Calling Myself Out

I’m wondering how you’re all doing today. I don’t know about you, but my days of the week are all screwed up. I don’t know if I’m starting the week or ending it.

I’ve started about five different iterations of tonight’s post and scrapped them all. I guess I don’t want to waste your precious time on blah-blah-blah, and what I’ve been coming up with has definitely been classic blah-blah-blah.

So let’s see, what am I thinking about?

I found myself welling up a couple of times with pride and hope while watching the news tonight. The diversity of the freshman class of Representatives in the House is phenomenal. And to see in their eyes and demeanors the depth of respect these incoming Reps have for the honor of serving our country and the excitement they have for the prospect of making a difference makes my heart swell.

Serving Our Country

It also frustrates me a little. If I’m honest, I have to admit that I’d love to be in government. I’d love to serve my country in that way. But I’ve always known I’d never be electable – for a myriad of reasons, what I ‘do’ for a living now being an especially obvious reason.

But let’s face it; I speak my mind way too much, too. And my poker face would be non-existent when listening to people lie. Good grief, I think I would’ve had a hard time serving in government back when people were collegial and respectful of basic norms of integrity and decency. But now? I’d strain a muscle trying to muzzle myself from calling out bullshit.

If there was something I secretly aspired to as an attorney, it was to become a judge. I pride myself on my ability to listen with an open mind to anyone and everyone, and give even the most egregious conduct or bizarre positions the dignity of being heard while maintaining impartiality. But becoming a judge where I live and work(ed) as an attorney necessitates becoming a political animal. Hence, I knew I was doomed. I’m just not cut out to say and do what apparently needs to be said or done to get elected.

Sometimes We Need To Relinquish Aspirations

So that’s one set of aspirations I sincerely held that I needed to relinquish fairly early in my life, in spite of my law degree. And yet it frustrates me still, especially in our present era, when we are constantly asked to ‘be the change.’ And to ‘make a difference.’

This is not a poor me post. It’s a simple reaction to my heartfelt pride in witnessing our country finally electing so many women (I think the figure is 100 in this 100^thyear since women gained the right to vote) and particularly women of such rich and varied backgrounds. And wishing I could be a part of that movement.

One moment I saw that particularly caused me to shed a tear of shared joy was witnessing the two Native American women embracing and shedding tears themselves. And there were so many other great stories. Stories that embody the American Dream, like the freshman Representative from Colorado, I believe, whose parents were refugees from Eritrea (Joe Neguse). This is what our country is all about!

So, I guess the point of this post is to both celebrate a new era in our nation’s politics, and also reveal the obvious: that we don’t always get to manifest our secretly held dreams. At least I didn’t.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.

(T-1058)