Things Didn’t Go As Planned – Day 137

“Things Didn’t Go As Planned”

That’s an apt title to give to this post. It can easily be applied to the way my day unfolded. It could readily be applied to the way my week turned out.

In many ways, those words dovetail with the strong warning I was given by at least three people adept in the more sensitive ways of the world.

I was told in no uncertain terms that I need to shift my usual ways of being from a generally affable willingness to put the needs of others ahead of, not necessarily my needs, but the requirements of my life purpose. Sometimes those requirements might seem, on the surface, to be legitimate ‘needs’ of mine, while other times those requirements might seem more like frivolous desires. Frivolous desires to those who think, and live, and breathe a different way than I do.

I felt a yearning all week to hunker down and reflect on my life. I’m embarrassed at how many times I basically declared this need publicly, right here in Ruffled Feathers, in a number of 1111 Devotion posts. The truth is, I am less embarrassed by my public declaration and far more embarrassed by my utter failure to honor my declaration. In some ways it feels like a moral failure, because if there is one thing I loathe, it is saying I will do something and then not – for that is the very definition of acting without impeccability.

Peeling Back the Layers

And that’s when we start peeling back the layers and seeing my addiction. My addiction to feeling like I must make sure everyone else in my immediate sphere of influence (such as it is) is happy – or at the very least, is not feeling in need of something, be it support either material or emotional or otherwise – before I can take a few moments to myself.

Don’t get me wrong! Believe it or not, I’m not even remotely close to being a hovering parent. Nor would anyone (especially Karl) consider me a doting spouse. Hopefully, I wouldn’t be considered an overbearing friend. (At least I hope I wouldn’t. If I’ve dropped the ball on this interpretation, please send me a private email and set the record straight!)

But there is within me a huge desire to ‘be there’ for those who might need me.

This is a way of being in the world that can be fraught with issues. One such issue might be the possibility that some might take advantage of me. Given that I am no spring chicken, and given that I’ve pretty much always operated from this point of view, I have learned from my mistakes and cultivated a decent amount of discernment.

Certainly, I’m not perfect. But as soon as I sniff out a taker, I pretty much know how to jettison them from my orbit.

Over-Booking

Another issue that can arise is sort of a double-header: giving my time and attention to others to such an extent that I end up with no time for myself.

It’s an over-booking issue. (Ha – that sounds a bit ridiculous, but it symptomatic of a weird way I look at time.) I always think I’m going to have enough later for myself. And usually, I think, I do.

Yet it is a double header because when things get particularly dicey, not only do I not engage in the essential self-inquiry into my own state of well-being, which necessarily includes fleshing out how I feel about my life and its trajectory, but by failing to allow myself that self-inquiry, I deplete my life force, my essential energy. And when that gets worn down to a bare nubbin, no one wins.

Lately though, especially, I’ve been getting the message that this is a moment in my life when it’s time to really figure out what’s next. Really sit with and listen to what my soul is telling me is the next best use of my unique experiences, gifts, and personality. And for whatever reason, it has seemed as if the requests for my time and attention from others has increased exponentially in that same period – just as I was getting deluged with this message to put my self-reflection at the top of my ‘to-do’ list.

Status Report

So, that’s just a bit of a status report.

I know I’m not feeling anything unique. I would be shocked if most of you don’t now, or have not felt at some time, this same acute existential agony at some point in your own lives.

And maybe that’s why I’m admitting it here. Because it’s a lot more than me just deciding to schedule a massage for myself or take a nice long bath one night. It’s a lot more than what seems to be talked about all over the place and labeled as ‘self-care.’

It’s much deeper than that.

As I said to Karl just tonight on our walk: all of a sudden, I feel as though my expiration date is starting to become visible, as if it’s been written in invisible ink all these years, but now I just wiped it with lemon juice and am holding it over a flame. You know: my ‘sell-by’ date.

Which brings me back to my very first statement: “Things didn’t go as planned,” specifically in reference to setting aside time to be with my Self to discern what is calling me forward.

While this might hold true for my day, week, and maybe even recent months or year, I can say one thing for certain: I do not want to hear myself saying or thinking or feeling it at the end of my life.

And I’m the only one who can remedy that.

(T-974)