trauma

Beauty – ND #133

Posted on by Lisa Weikel 2 Comments
Rhodo Bloom – Photo: L. Weikel

Beauty

The beauty of this rhododendron today begged to be shared. I can’t imagine any of us are immune to the horror we’ve all witnessed over the last several days. How awful is it that the Buffalo massacre on 14 May 2022 was followed merely one day later by two more shootings (in Houston, Texas and Laguna Woods, California). And the horror of yesterday’s massacre at an elementary school is more than many of us can take.

There’s a part of me that’s holding out hope that the outrageousness of so many recent assaults on our fundamental values of freedom, equality, and the sanctity of keeping our little kids alive and safe at school will galvanize us as a nation.

My skin crawls when I hear these talking heads of Authoritarianism chide and deride Democrats for ‘politicizing’ the gun issue when 21 people were just murdered in a 4th grade classroom. Or when I listen to them tell us all we need to do is ‘harden our schools’ to make them safe.

What utter bullshit.

Grief

I can only barely register the grief being felt by the families in Uvalde, Texas tonight. I say ‘tonight’ as if it will subside within a few days or weeks. Surely we all know in our hearts that their lives will never be the same. Just like the Sandy Hook parents. The families of Uvalde will live with this forever. But the thing is, so will we.

We’re all traumatized. We’re all reeling from the senselessness. We’re all horrified by the knowledge that our government is stocked with at least 50 Senators who place more value on lining their pockets and furthering their careers than they do on protecting their fellow citizens and constituents.

There’s the trauma. And there’s the grief.

Hope

I wanted to write tonight and lead with some beauty because we must not give up on each other – or ourselves.

Our country is falling apart at the seams. But we’re the ones who can and must mend it or create a new one.

Look at these photos and drink deeply of the beauty. Take heart. Gather your courage. We must act on behalf of all our babies.

Petal – Photo: L. Weikel

(T+133)

In Perfect Timing – ND #88

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Cherry Sunset – Photo: L. Weikel

In Perfect Timing

As much as I hoped to devote time this weekend to working on those seeds I wanted to plant at the new moon last week (eye roll), I’ll admit to all of you: I’ve yet to sit with this the way I’d hoped. Timing is everything, and I may be in perfect timing – or I may have missed my chance. Perhaps I’ll never know.

Oh, I worked on stuff that cannot be ignored. It’s not as if I took a siesta from life and just immersed myself in a novel or something. No; instead of engaging in the contemplation I yearn for, I worked on getting our tax information together. Ugh. Talk about a thankless job.

But you know what? I realize even as I write this: the anxiety I feel over this process has less to do with reality and so very much more with remembering traumatic times from years ago. Like back before I knew about Quicken and had to go through my checkbook registers line by line and put things together for the accountant.

Yeah, we’re talking good times.

Cherry Sunset from Afar – Photo: L. Weikel

Clearing the Decks

I had a choice. I could’ve decided to simply sit with my journal and let myself rip – get down and dirty with my deepest, truest dreams for the next two and a half years.

Instead, I chose to take that time and, instead, clear the decks. It’s a risky business; I know that. It’s always dicey, wondering whether you’re avoiding introspection by committing to completing an unpleasant but necessary task. And sometimes, I suppose, it’s both.

And it’s not to say that I have any reason to avoid setting those new moon intentions. But it can be difficult sometimes to know with certainty what they are. Do I set the same (or remarkably similar) intentions as I have been known to set in the past? Or do I throw it all out and commit to something entirely different?

Simple Pleasures

All I know is, after working on tax preparation all afternoon, I was very ready to take a walk. And my day was made complete by a reunion with Princess, Liddle, and Middle. I’ve discovered their favorite treat (a small peanut butter biscuit) and their joy in snarfing them up (one each!) in turn makes me happy.

It’s the little things in life.

Liddle, Middle, & Princess Smiing and Happy – Photo: L. Weikel

(T+88)

Shying Away – Day 1032

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Photo: L. Weikel

Shying Away

If you are shying away from the inevitable commemorations and wall-to-wall coverage that will be taking place over the next several days (especially on Saturday), I’m with you. And I’ll admit it: there’s a part of me that feels a little guilty about my visceral desire to avoid revisiting that horrific event.

That’s why I’m the first one to confess how shocked I am that I’m rushing to get this post written. Why? Because I’ve been immersed in the MSNBC special Memory Box: Echoes of 9/11. It is well worth your time.

We All Cope Differently

Everyone deals with the unthinkable in their own way. I’m not one for hashing and rehashing trauma and tragedy. That’s not to say that I don’t see the value in it for others. Sometimes we need to see and replay what we experienced because it was too shocking in the moment to comprehend. I get that. Believe me, I’ve hashed and rehashed some of my own traumatic moments. But over the years, it’s often felt to me like our honoring of 9/11 was exploitive.

The attacks on 9/11 not only inflicted devastating wounds on thousands of people personally, they also ripped away a lot of illusions we held as a country, leaving us feeling uncharacteristically vulnerable and afraid. Airing repeated images of the devastation only picked those scabs and made us bleed, year after year.

Transmuting the Pain

My personal preference is not to relive those excruciating hours of disbelief, fear for loved ones, and uncertainty about, well, everything. I would rather focus on transmuting the heartache into greater understanding and solidarity. I feel this was a huge missed opportunity as both our country and the world came together immediately afterward.

Indeed, it’s probably fair to say the unbelievable horror and loss (on so many levels) of that day and its aftermath – both short and long term – changed most of us. Indeed, I have to wonder if our focus on vengeance instead of understanding was the poisonous seed that, in its sprouting, has led to the rending of our hearts and our country.

Perspective and Story

My belief in the power of speaking and writing our truth is unshakable. I’m particularly fond of the written word because it is so accessible to all of us and also gives us the opportunity to go back and reflect upon what we’ve written after time has intervened. It’s through the telling of our stories that we effect that transmutation of our pain and transformation of our lives.

The artistic and healing project represented by Memory Box: Echoes of 9/11 is powerful, heartfelt, and hopeful. I’m glad I watched it. It’s soulful and poignant and personal, and gives us all a unique perspective into the varied experiences of those who were right there and how their lives have been transformed by that fateful day.

Lightning – Photo: L. Weikel

(T-79)

Gentleness – Day 688

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Photo: L. Weikel

Gentleness

It’s been two hours since the debacle ended. My pulse is only now returning to some semblance of a slow and steady beat. And the only thing I can think to write about is gentleness.

What we witnessed tonight is part of the shit-show I suspected would unfold this week. Oh goody – I can’t wait for the moon to become full on Thursday. What lunacy could possibly unfold? I’m sure we’ll find out.

Trauma

Why do I feel gentleness – the main attribute of Deer, which came calling on me every afternoon the past few days – is the watchword for this evening’s post? Because I defy anyone who watched what was billed as a presidential debate (but was never in actuality anything even remotely resembling a debate) to tell me they did not feel battered and traumatized by the disgustingly rude and disrespectful behavior of DT this evening.

As a nation, as humans watching all over the world, quite frankly, we were brutalized. What we witnessed was the unfiltered and unflinching behavior of someone who has never been held to account for himself in his entire life. We witnessed the quintessential bully. While his words and actions may have titillated a small segment of the world – those who are as damaged as he is – I have enough belief in humanity to know that the vast majority of us reject this. He does not speak for us.

And we must mobilize to ensure his deranged tactics are no longer a threat to either our fellow United States citizens or the billions of people with whom we share this planet. We must shift and transmute the energy – the rage, the trauma, the terror – that his behavior is deliberately calculated to trigger within us all into a resolute determination to leave these old ways of trauma-informed tactics behind.

First Take Care of Ourselves

In order to make strides in shifting and transmuting these energies we much first take care of ourselves. And this is where the lesson of Deer comes in. It is essential that we disengage and remember who we are. Walk away from the clips that perpetuate DT’s brutish derision of our system and his opponent, as well as his outrageous lies.

Take a bath, walk in the woods, take ten minutes and just stand outside and look up into the sky. Get ready to greet a new month arriving with the full moon on Thursday.

Deer in the Medicine Cards* (by Jamie Sams and David Carson) entreats us to treat the insane bully with gentleness and loving kindness. In a sense, it will short-circuit him. Don’t argue. Pity him. Make a point of disengaging when the pressure becomes too intense.

Eat some hostas.

Chill Out – these hostas are delicious – Photo: L. Weikel

*Affiliate link

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