self-esteem Archives - Owl Medicine: Shamanic Healing

Stinky Surprise

Everybody chime in with me: “If it’s not one thing…” Yeah. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. And we actually encountered a handful of circumstances today that would fit that bill, the latest (but a mere 90 minutes or so ago) was a most stinky surprise.

You can guess what happened. We were watching an episode of one of our latest distractions (Patriot, a quirky and unpredictable series on Amazon Prime), when Spartacus woke up and asked to go out. Karl did his bidding and opened the kitchen door, whereupon Spartacus took off like a shot.

Now, we routinely try to make sure there aren’t critters hanging around the yard when we let Spart out, but sometimes we forget to check. He’s had a couple of encounters with opossums, raccoons, and deer – but it’s been a while since he’s encountered a stinky surprise. (Thank goodness, I might add.)

But alas…

Good Boy

I could tell Karl sensed trouble was ahead just by the tone of his voice as he called out to Spartacus. When I jumped up and joined Karl, calling to him, I saw that he was trotting up toward the house like a good boy. While seeming a bit reticent, like maybe he knew he might’ve done something he knew he regretted but wasn’t quite sure, he entered the kitchen and headed toward his water bowl.

The skunk stink wafted into the kitchen like PigPen’s cloud of dust as he passed by me. But his fur wasn’t ruffled, and he didn’t have the same ‘look’ about him as the last time he got skunked. Clearly, he’d been in the vicinity of a spooked skunk. But had he been nailed? It looked like he’d endured a ‘near miss.’

I’ve had to deal with these circumstances before, so I knew if he was the victim of a direct hit, I’d have to run out to the grocery or drug store for a couple of bottles of hydrogen peroxide. Sadly, because this isn’t our first rodeo (with Sheila too – she was no angel in her younger years), I knew the remedy of bathing in tomato juice is ineffective. Nope, I had direct experience with this recipe, and I know it works.

Slightly (But Enough!) Stinky Boy – Photo: L. Weikel

Tangential Hit

We quickly herded Spart back outside onto the porch. Walking out the door, it was as if we were walking into a cloud. Precious was on the porch, looking totally freaked out, and Cletus was nowhere to be found. I got down on my hands and knees and put my nose right up to Spart’s fur (a dangerous undertaking, believe me). It wasn’t him; or at least it wasn’t a direct hit. It almost seemed as if he may have walked through the spray after the fact. I did notice his mouth seemed to be watering a bit, but sniffing his head and neck, it didn’t seem to be giving off any greater amount of stink than anywhere else.

The mouth watering worried me, though. While I was glad that at least it wasn’t in his eyes, it did look like he might’ve gotten a mouthful. Ack! The last time he got majorly nailed by a skunk, his entire face, including his eyes, nose and mouth had been drenched. And his stench had been so powerful at that time that I’d nearly passed out while trying to clean him up.

The Remedy

While utterly and disconcertingly smelly, I still don’t think he sustained a direct hit. Although I will confess, I mixed up some of the remedy* (baking soda, hydrogen peroxide, and a little bit of shampoo) and washed his face and mouth, and even down his back. Sadly, and somewhat inexplicably, I can still smell it.

Whether it was a direct or tangential hit, the skunk definitely made its presence known. And of course me being me, I am compelled to consider the potential message it was bringing. Skunk is all about reputation – having self-confidence in your own abilities and gifts and realizing that your ‘reputation precedes you.’ Perhaps we might benefit from reflecting on how our self-esteem is holding up?

Whatever. If it’s not one thing…

*Note! You need to be careful mixing these items; it can be dangerous. You should also wear gloves. I learned that the hard way.

Sassy – Photo: National Geographic

(T-382)

Moose’s Message

To briefly recap my post from yesterday, last Sunday (11/11), the 7^thanniversary of the death of our son Karl, I received the inspiration (and subsequent confirmation from several sources) that the best way to honor our son’s life as a creative, amazing person was for my husband to paint (he is a visual artist) and for me to write. Upon receiving this ‘message,’ more specifics were conveyed, and the concept of the 1111 Devotion became manifest.

Then last Monday night I published my initial Devotion post, following through on my acknowledgment of the message from Spirit and publicly committing to this Act of Power.

I need to admit that I’ve shied away from publishing my blog consistently for a myriad of self-deprecating reasons, which I won’t bore you by enumerating. Suffice it to say, I guess I’m ‘over that.’ Or at least I’m being forced to let go of those old beliefs, since if I indulge them, I simply will not have the wherewithal to go forward with this commitment.

There’s probably a wonderful energetic confluence here. I’ve been thinking a lot about wisdom and ‘elderhood’ lately. What it means to be an elder and how our society has, in many ways, concomitantly lost respect for ‘elderhood’ and actually experienced a dearth of true ‘elders.’

And I’ve been contemplating a ‘change’ in what I do in the world. Not actually thinking about it; more sensing its impending arrival and wondering what it will mean to me. More teaching? Less individual healing work? Returning to writing? Something completely different that I don’t even have on my radar at the moment? I do not know. But clarity does seem to be emerging from a most unexpected place.

I woke up on Tuesday morning feeling both exhilarated and more than a bit freaked out. I’d declared to the world (my world, at least – the people who care enough to read my words and, perhaps equally important, my Self) that I was going to write a blog post every single day for 1111 days (over three years!) as a devotional act dedicated to the memory of my son Karl.

I was curious to see what I would pick for the day. Would it be a card that would tell me I should run and hide (Prairie Dog, for instance)? Or that I’d done something really dumb to sabotage myself or my reputation (Coyote)? In spite of the knowledge that I might receive such a message, I must admit: I felt OK, deep down in my heart of hearts, about making such a wild commitment. And I felt that even if I received a kick in the pants, or a challenge to my confidence, I’d be OK. I’d do my best to follow through. And that would have to be enough. (And honestly? Feeling that sense of peace that however this plays out will be ok was – and is – bizarre.)

Needless to say, since you already know, I picked: Moose².

And because I ended up writing a detailed explication of what ‘squared’ means and how we would interpret it, I’m just going to fill you in on the parts of Moose that jumped out at me that morning.

Right off the bat, the poem at the beginning touched my heart:

“Moose…

Help me to honor the gifts I can give,

And recognize my worthiness long as I live.”

In talking to Karl about this undertaking, he encouraged me to believe that sharing my thoughts about everyday things might actually be of benefit to someone. I’ve been skeptical of that attitude for a long time. (This isn’t the first time he’s encouraged me to ‘write more.’) But let’s be honest. If I’m going to write 1111 posts, I’m going to be talking about a lot of mundane stuff! I take for granted how quirky my perspective can be sometimes. Maybe Moose was telling me that quirkiness just might be a gift, as is my ability to convey it.

The ‘headline’ attribute assigned to Moose in the cards is “self-esteem.” Well, that was self-evident. I should feel good about the decision.

The first paragraph only served to bring this idea home:

“Moose is found in the North of the medicine wheel, as is Buffalo. North represents the place of wisdom. Self-esteem is the medicine of Moose because it represents the power of recognizing that wisdom has been used in a situation and that recognition or a pat on the back is deserved.” (ital. added)

I had to laugh out loud, though, when I came to this sentence in the following paragraph.

“…The bellow of a male Moose can be viewed as a positive force, since it represents his willingness to ‘tell the world’ about his feelings.”

I’d read this a million times before, but of course it took on an entirely new and deeper meaning when applied to me deciding to publicly commit to sharing my thoughts (and feelings) ‘on-line’ for the next 3+ years.

The next paragraph, to my delight, seemed to capture the shift I was feeling within myself (much to my very own surprise) that was actually encouraging me to engage in this commitment:

“This ‘tell the world’ trait contains a joyfulness which only comes with a sense of accomplishment. There is no greater joy than a job well done. This trait is therefore not a seeking of approval, but rather an enjoyment of sharing because of the spontaneous explosion of joy that comes from the deepest part of one’s being.” (ital. added)

Yes. That was it! I looked up at Karl as I read these words aloud. He knew: This was big for me.

Up to this point in my life, every time I thought about writing a blog on a consistent basis, I got snagged on the fact that I knew my ego would be seeking approval. How did I know that? Because I felt I had nothing worthwhile to say. And as long as that was true, maybe I didn’t.

Somehow, relatively recently, perhaps in contemplation of the fact that I will turn 60 in March or perhaps because the stars have aligned and I am finally ready to embark upon the next third of my life, I feel like I’m ready to simply share. And people can take it or leave it. If I am writing every day as an act of devotion to my son, then I am acting with integrity and impeccability as far as I am concerned. And really, all I can do is walk my talk and speak my truth.

I don’t need the approval of others to either give me permission or make me feel like my words or my experiences are of value. That’s a rather astonishing feeling, I have to admit. And believe me, it doesn’t mean I don’t care at all how I am perceived. But a shift has taken place. And I’m taking a step onto a new path. And Moose was there – squared – to offer me initiation.