It’s the Little Things

This title could lead me down many, many roads, some more savory than others. But as you can tell from the accompanying photo, the road I’m choosing is pretty benign. And that’s the whole point.

You see that little bit of blood lurking at the corner of my pinky? I’ll admit it; it’s the product of me picking at myself. Not one for manicures, I nevertheless have reasonable looking fingernails. Most of the time, at least.

Not as of today.

Lately things have been coming to a head around me in a variety of ways. Chickens coming home to roost (and no, not Duckhead’s girls, although I did get the chance to bond with the ladies for five days or so last week), or just time taking its toll. Maybe just life happening, and I’m being called upon to deal with it.

I find myself trying harder than usual lately to walk my talk; to practice what I preach. What I’m driving at here is I’ve been straining to listen. And every time I think I’m being pointed in a particular direction or given a certain message to follow through on, it feels like the rug gets pulled out from under me. Or a door slams shut. Or the RT of D turns on.

And I have a sneaking feeling that sometimes I give the mistaken impression that listening is easy. Or rather, receiving answers or discerning guidance is easy. Those aren’t necessarily the same as listening, since listening, to me, means acting upon what the message you’ve received.

There’s a Difference Between Listening ‘to’ Others and Listening ‘for’ Ourselves

I should clarify here: to be a good listener for others, we usually need to break ourselves of the habit of wanting to take action in response to what another is telling us. We need to refrain from trying to solve their problem or fix their issue.

But when we are seeking guidance either from our own souls or our Higher Selves, our guardians or guides, or whatever you want to call the receipt of insight or wisdom or direction from a mostly unknowable or indefinable source that resonates deeply within us, a primary way of acknowledging receipt of and respect for that guidance is to take action in alignment with it.

My difficulty lately has been receiving the message, not listening to it. Well, I probably shouldn’t jump the gun on that, actually. Because who knows? Once I finally move beyond this impasse and gain clarity on what I’m supposed to be doing ‘next’ with my life, I can only hope that I will accept the message and listen to it (i.e., act upon that message) with grace.

I want to think that will be the case. But I’m not there yet, so who knows. (I will keep you apprised.)

In the meantime, I’m fretting. I have to admit, I loathe asking for guidance and receiving the proverbial dial tone. (And wow – I just realized how outdated an expression that’s becoming. Quite literally, there are probably a lot of people who have only known cell phones and therefore aren’t even aware of what a dial tone is or what one sounds like. That’s unsettling.)

A Reminder to Be Patient – and Kind

I want to take action. I want to listen. I want to be a catalyst for improvement. But I want to act when appropriate. I want to take whatever steps are asked of me when they will be most effective.

All of which entails waiting – at least in the short term. As I mentioned above, it’s not as if I’ve been standing still. I continue to ask; and when I think I’m receiving a response, I follow through by exploring it. Lately, as I said, I’ve felt the bruise of doors slamming in my face (or maybe on my fingers?).

Ha ha. No. Not on my fingers. That bloody little pinky is a casualty of my doubt, my insecurity. It’s evidence of my worry that maybe I’m not going to receive a message or an answer ‘in time’ to make a difference. It’s evidence that I’m picking at myself.

And the funny thing is, throughout the entire process of writing this post, it’s hurt like a bratty little bitch. My pinky is nagging at me, taunting me. Calling me to pay attention to what I know. Calling me to be kind to myself and trust that sometimes other things, things we have no knowledge of, need to fall into place before we can take the next step to act on our listening.

(T- 1014)