Used to Be – Day 874

Easter Eve Sunset – Photo: L. Weikel

Used to Be

I’m sure it’s the pandemic talking, but I realized something today that sort of took me aback. I actually heard myself saying, “Easter used to be one of my favorite holidays.”

“Used to be.” Hmm.

It’s not just Easter, either. Karl and I didn’t even put up a tree this past Christmas. If you’d have asked me ten years ago if I could imagine ever spending Christmas without a tree, I wouldn’t have hesitated a single moment. Of course we’d always have a tree.

Guess not.

Don’t get me wrong. I still love Easter. And Christmas. And of course New Year’s – bringing us the opportunity to start fresh. Then starting the cycle all over again is Thanksgiving  – always a joy given the sentiment of appreciating all the blessings in one’s life. There’s also something to be said for gratitude being the primary focus of that holiday.

It just seems like sometimes we forget to really and truly look around at the people in our lives and feel in our bones how much their presence means to us. Which I guess is why things have been feeling a lot different lately.

Maybe it’s that I took a stroll down memory lane today and sort of sustained a gut punch when I realized just how profoundly our holidays have changed over the years – in ways I don’t think I could’ve expected.

The Rest of the Year

The holidays we celebrate May through October just seem to pass by. What I enjoy most are the astronomical observances – the ‘pagan’ holidays, if you will: summer solstice, fall equinox. I think I probably enjoy Christmas and Easter because of their connection to winter solstice and spring equinox.

Nah. Along with New Year’s, Easter is a time of rebirth and in many ways issues a clarion call for a bursting forth of new energy and growth. It’s also almost always near my birthday. So of course I like Easter. Or I used to.

Tonight’s sunset was classic early April. Stunning and simple. The chill in the air providing just the right nip to keep the peepers sleepy and the buds on the flowers holding back their burst of energy until unleashing it tomorrow in a cascade of brilliance and color – because it’s going to warm up again. Not into the 70s, perhaps, but enough to coax some breakthroughs.

Wishes

Here’s hoping this Easter season (or Passover or whatever tradition you celebrate) brings you hope and a sense of promise at the prospect of new beginnings.

It seems that for many people there’s a lot more reason for hope and optimism this year than there was last year at this time. I’ll take that.

And who knows? Maybe next year The Rabbit will visit again. It’s a possibility.

(T-237)

Disconnected – Day 517

Photo: L. Weikel

Disconnected

I’m feeling a bit disconnected from Easter this year. I don’t like admitting that, even if it’s normal and to be expected under the circumstances. It feels almost sacrilegious, or like a betrayal of myself.

Why such a harsh indictment of my feelings?

Partly, I suspect, because I was born on Easter Sunday. So for me to feel disconnected from Easter, which has always been one of my favorite holidays (especially since I have a unique and quite intimate relationship with The Rabbit), it’s a sign that things are not right with the world.

Easter represents a lot of my favorite concepts: rebirth, springtime, fresh starts, growth, new life, starting over, sunshine, baby animals, hope, optimism. OK. Just creating that list made me smile a little more and remember my roots. I love this time of year.

No Easter Eggs

Karl and I didn’t color eggs this year. It’s only the two of us here at home, as I suspect is true with a lot of you. It’s kind of weird to think that you shouldn’t even have an Easter egg hunt with your own grandkids or whatever (if they don’t live with you), since, technically, the virus could be spread between people simply by touching the eggs. And good grief, the last thing anyone wants is to sicken a loved one.

It’s the little things, isn’t it? Losing our ability to connect with small gestures. To reach out and touch someone’s arm or give a quick hug. To hide an Easter egg and not feel as though you’re potentially hiding a live grenade?

A Meandering Post

I fear my post this evening has been an exercise akin to hopping down the bunny trail – sort of zig zagging from one subject to another without any apparent coherence.

As sad as any of you feel, too, because you can’t engage in those huge little gestures of love and connection, the solace we can take is in how much more we will appreciate them when we can once again reclaim those means of expression. Perhaps lots of people will realize they no longer want to be as disconnected as they used to crave being.

Who knows? Possibly those of us who are huggers will no longer feel ashamed for being who we are, for our ability to convey with a silent connection, heart-to-heart, more than a million words could ever say.

I am one of those. And I am sending each and every one of you a hug and a smile. A hug to say, “Hang in there. We can do this. We’re only physically distancing, not emotionally or spiritually distancing.” And a smile to say, “I love you.”

Photo: L. Weikel

(T-594)

Best Easter Egg EVER – Day 160

Karl’s egg 19 April 2014 – Photo: L. Weikel

Best Easter Egg EVER

I’ve always loved Easter.

The memories I have of Easters growing up are not whizz bang affairs. In fact, it’s funny – when I think back, as I sit here, trying to decide what memories I might share that could convey why my heart always seems to lift when I think about Easter, I realize how magical my thinking was…even back then. It wasn’t necessarily the literal stuff of Easter that I loved, it was what lived in my imagination.

I loved hunting for Easter eggs. Oh my goodness. Not the public hunts, put on by schools or churches. The hunts I cherish are the ones that took place in the living room of the farmhouse I grew up in.

My brother Henry is 16 years older than I. My mother would let him go out to see his girlfriend (and eventual wife), Diane, on the night before Easter only if he promised to come home and ‘help the Easter Bunny’ hide the hard boiled eggs I’d dyed that night.

The Hunt for the Eggs

I swear that was the best part about Easter. Finding the eggs that The Rabbit hid (as she came to be known in our household – Karl’s and mine – as our guys were growing up) was a challenge that had the potential to occupy me the whole day. Inevitably, there would be one or two eggs that were so well hidden that it would literally take me hours to find them. Sometimes my brother (if he could remember) would have to play that game of “warmer” to help me.

Truth be told, I think he probably had no recollection of where he’d hidden them and was only sending me on a wild goose chase anyway. At least a couple eggs over the years weren’t discovered until months (or perhaps years) later. They were completely desiccated by the time they were accidentally found, so who knows how long they’d excitedly waited to fulfill the dream of all true Easter eggs, of being reunited with their colorful siblings, only to wither away, forgotten and alone? Yeah. Sad.

The magical thinking that really made Easter special for me, though, is the image I’ve always carried in my head of the true Easter Rabbit. For the life of me, I don’t know why the thought of this creature didn’t scare me, especially since I cannot stand people in costumes or masks. I think it may be because I had such a sense that “she” was in fact a real Rabbit – just larger than normal – not a person dressed up as a bunny. But…wow.

The Reason for My Connection to ‘The Rabbit’

You’ll never believe it, but I just realized that on some level, my sense of and connection to the Easter Bunny was a precursor to the literal experiences with power animals that I would start having some 25 years later. (I’ve honestly never thought about it in this context before this moment. Wow.)

Another reason Easter is a favorite holiday is because I was born on Easter Sunday. So periodically, over the years, my birthday would again fall on Easter. But it always felt special, somehow, that I’d managed to arrive on that day (even if the day was nearly literally over by the time I arrived).

And I’ve always been partial to all the other babies (bunnies, chicks, lambs, pansies, robins, ducklings, piglets, daffodils) that abound in the springtime (hence, Easter-time), too. Indeed, even at church (raised Catholic), the concepts of death, rebirth and ascension appealed to me.

Anyway, it’s always felt like Easter was ‘my’ day – no matter when it fell on the calendar.

The Tradition – and Magic – Continued

Growing up, my kids knew my delight in Easter, and hopefully shared it, too. I’d even commandeered my eldest son, Karl, to help ‘The Rabbit’ hide the eggs for his younger brothers a couple of years, just like my mom had recruited my brother.

So imagine this: On April 19, 2014, my two adult sons (and Tiffany – who was meeting us for the first time!) were indulging me by coloring eggs on ‘Easter eve.’ I’d placed a pristine white egg in a cup of boiling water with red and blue food coloring and a dash of white vinegar (purple being my favorite color) and just let it sit. I wanted to see just how deep a hue of purple I could make this egg.

After it sat in the dye for quite a while, I dipped my tablespoon into the cup and raised it to the surface. The egg was covered with random bubbles, but it looked like it had ripened to a really deep and satisfying purple. I placed it carefully in the cardboard egg carton with all the rest.

We Could Feel His Presence

Mind you, this was two and a half years after Karl had died. He was, as he still is, thought about and talked about frequently. But we were especially reminiscing about prior Easters with him as we introduced Tiffany to our traditions. We could feel not only how much we missed Karl but how much Karl was missing us.

Imagine, then, our goosebumps and stunned expressions when I picked up my purple egg and looked at it carefully. Not only was his name clearly written on the egg, but it also looked like it was written on a background of stars. And even more amazing, the letters of his name actually look like his style of printing. Random bubbles?

As we’re fond of saying: YCMTSU.

Happy Easter, Happy Passover, Happy Springtime, Happy Rebirth and Renewal.

Believe.

(T-951)

P.S.: We love you, Karl. And again, a hearty well done on that manifestation!