doubt Archives - Owl Medicine: Shamanic Healing

First Owl – Photo: L.Weikel

Fruits of My Courage and Trust

The other night I entitled my blog post “Phoning It In.” At the time I wrote it, I was beyond tired, and it felt like anything I might write would be rote and vapid.

But as soon as I started writing, I knew the post wouldn’t be boring or average. (Short, yes. But that’s because it was after 4:00 a.m. when I started writing it.) I’ll admit it: I was giddy.

I was buzzing – literally – from giving myself permission to try something new and just diving right in. As I described in that post, I was sorta kinda pressured into trusting my friend Luz. She swore up and down that I could create a painting I’d be excited about – and she could show me how, if I would only trust her. If I would show a little courage and just immerse myself in the experience.

Immersion Theory

If I really think about it, it was this immersion in the experience that really juiced me. And what’s also intriguing is the connection between what I’ve taught Luz and what she taught me: I do believe that the skills I’ve honed in learning how to journey, as well as the further practice of cultivating the ability to take notes during my process of straddling the worlds, have cultivated my ability to immerse myself in a task.

The process of journeying takes a great deal of focus and attention – especially when receiving a lot of specific information or guidance. And I’ve found through the years that if I doubt, if a significant enough portion of my consciousness stands outside of the work, observing with arms folded and skepticism (and doubt) coloring my experience, my perceptions and ability to receive and process information from other realms is seriously compromised.

As Above So Below

Or in other words, trusting myself and just surrendering to the experience almost assuredly makes any such experience itself exponentially richer. As a result, I figured, “What the heck?” I could feel it. I needed to either be ‘all in’ or not do it at all. That’s because I could very easily have allowed a huge part of myself to stand slightly aside as I painted, with arms folded and ego fully engaged, criticizing and worrying about every single stroke I made on the canvas. And I knew, I could feel, that would buckle my ability to create.

But Luz had asked me to trust her, to trust her process – a process she’s developed and practiced herself for several years. So it was only fair.

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve asked Luz to trust me many times. To trust my description of the process of journeying and to trust her ability to see, receive, and perceive other realms.

So I went ‘all in.’ As she assured me over and over, “Lisa, you can always paint over it and start again. Don’t over-think it.”

“Just go for it.”

So I did.

Beginner’s Luck

My very first creation was “First Owl,” above. I could barely believe my eyes.

My second creation, below, I call BearWolf, perhaps for obvious reasons, depending upon your perspective, perhaps not. While I don’t feel it’s nearly as amazing as First Owl (which I still attribute a bit – OK, a lot – to ‘Beginner’s Luck,’ much to Luz’s annoyance), it’s still a piece I will enthusiastically hang in my office.

Wider Application

I’m getting a feeling that there’s a lesson here, a wider application for this Immersion Theory. I need to ponder it.

In the meantime, I offer you the fruits of my courage and trust. Thank you, Luz. Worthy investments – and a ton of fun.

BearWolf – Photo: L. Weikel

(T-830)

Clouds parting and bringing clarity – Photo: L. Weikel

Raising the Roof on My Comfort Zone

As I mentioned last night, my decision to raise my rates has been a long time coming. It wasn’t a decision I made lightly, by any means.

Many factors played into my decision, as you might expect.

But yesterday, as I contemplated making my announcement public by writing about it here, I felt all my worries and doubts lining up for one last swipe at my decision.

The wind yesterday was brisk and it was chilly on our porch. I picked up the deck of Medicine Cards and walked, barefoot, onto our lawn, shuffling all the while. I looked up into the sky and watched the clouds, which had blanketed the sky only moments earlier, open up to reveal brilliant azure clarity above my head. I felt myself connecting with the cool green grass beneath my feet as I opened my heart to receiving one last oomph of GUIDANCE.

As I meandered, I said out loud to anyone who would hear (but really, I was addressing Spirit), that increasing my rates was really pushing me out of my comfort zone, that I was really feeling anxious and conflicted over it.

The Wind Steps In

At that, the wind whipped in, picked a card off the deck as I shuffled the cards in my hands and swept that card face down into the birdbath, which was full of fresh, clear rain water from the storms of the night before.

Miraculously, the card landed on the surface of the water gently and without a sound. I snatched the card up, refusing to allow the card to get ruined by plunging into a birdbath, gently wiping it to ensure no permanent damage was done.

The card that Spirit had chosen ‘for’ me was Ant. The keyword for Ant is Patience. Glancing at the rest of the deck, which I continued to clutch in my left hand, I saw that Black Panther was stalking my pick, informing me on how I should interpret that “Spirit-assisted” pick. Black Panther’s keyword are ‘Embracing the Unknown.”

Wow. OK. I felt totally OK with having PATIENCE, which was interesting, because years and years ago, that was the single-word response I received when I took one of my first journeys and asked for guidance. I simply saw the word PATIENCE – in all caps – right in front of my closed eyelids. That frustrated me to no end.

Patience/Embracing the Unknown

But this time? It felt good. It felt OK. I felt that Spirit was telling me to FOLLOW THROUGH with this shift (of which raising my rates is a part) and to have patience. Yes, it may cause me to ‘lose’ potential clients that would have come to me had I left my rates where they’ve been for 15 years. But if I have patience (and accept that this IS a leap from my comfort zone – “into the VOID OF THE UNKNOWN”) things may work out in ways I cannot even fathom right now.

Yes, I must leap (Black Panther), but first and foremost, I MUST EXERCISE PATIENCE. Which means yeah, I’m probably going to encounter some backlash and some scary times. Yeah, it’s not necessarily going to be easy or a walk in the park. But it is the right thing to do.

I’ll admit that this was my first true ‘hit’ on what the Ant/Black Panther combo was telling me.

Doubt Rears Its Head

But then, of course, my freaking nemesis, doubt – that Spirit could actually, truly, be encouraging me to think bigger, dream bigger, to believe that I am here to help deliver a message, in service, that people will benefit from hearing and incorporating into their lives – kicked in.

I chastised myself: Maybe the Ant card landing in the birdbath meant, “Yeah, you need to just settle down. Don’t act in haste by raising your rates so dramatically. Settle the $#%@ down. Be patient.”

And that thought just felt awful. I felt every cell in my body droop. It deflated me and made me feel sad – as if I were letting myself down in the worst way.

Realizing how profoundly my old habits of indulging my doubt and second-guessing the message I’d intuited with such crystal clarity in those first moments made me feel utterly defeated, I chose, then and there, to honor my knowing.

I’m revealing these thoughts and the process through which I butted heads with my doubts to show that I understand how tough it can be to honor our knowing. When I ask clients to do hard things, it’s not as if I’m asking you to do anything I wouldn’t demand of my own self.