disappointment Archives - Owl Medicine: Shamanic Healing

Today’s Moon – Photo: L. Weikel

Another Observation

As I sit here contemplating what I’m going to write this evening and how I’d like to spend my weekend, I’m struck by another observation. Even after an entire year of pandemic isolation, I still hear a voice in my head telling me that I do not have the luxury of spending a couple of days doing my version of ‘nothing.’

Now that I acknowledge that’s what I’m hearing in my head, I realize how weird and oddly repressive it is. Seriously. What’s with that? Why do I tell myself these things and perhaps more importantly, why do I succumb to the – what is it? – guilt?

Yes, I read some of the articles published early on in the pandemic entreating us to imagine what we could accomplish in our isolation. I pretty much knew they were bullshit from the start; but yeah, I also secretly told myself that I would indeed be able to accomplish a few of my treasured aspirations. I’d have no excuses.

I admit it: I held myself to a higher standard than I apply to others. I’m an introvert, I’d tell myself. These should be my power circumstances.

Not How It Plays Out

But that doesn’t seem to be the way life plays out. Our outer circumstances may change – even drastically – but if we don’t make a point of examining our inner landscape, it’s almost a given that we’ll end up getting nowhere. That’s because the obstacles and land mines we set for ourselves between where we are and where we tell ourselves we want to go are the most insidious. And if you really pay attention to that last sentence, you’ll see one of the biggest traps revealed.

“…where we tell ourselves we want to go.” Yeah. When was the last time I took the time to truly assess where I am in my life and then ask myself where I want to go and what else I want to accomplish?

How often do I tell myself I ‘have’ to do x, y, or z, when I would almost certainly be better served by plunking myself down and completing that course I signed up for three months ago? I was having so much fun with it! I was learning totally new skills and feeling a modicum of victoriousness (is that even a word?), when I suddenly put it at the bottom of my ‘to do’ list.

I’m Not Alone

Following on the heels of those early pandemic articles exhorting how much we might accomplish in our isolation if we just exercised some personal responsibility, I’ve recently noticed some articles that put a name to some of the disappointment and reticence over diving into new endeavors or returning to old ones: languishing.

I can’t say that I’m experiencing this with full-on intensity. But some of what I read in these articles rings familiar. And an even more interesting phenomenon that maybe feels a little more close to the bone than I’d like to admit is ‘revenge bedtime procrastination.’

Umm. Glancing at my watch…yeah.

Waxing Moon in Virgo – Photo: L. Weikel

(T-217)

Carol’s Chocolate BIRTHDAY cake – Photo: L. Weikel

The Baker’s Birthday

By the time I hit the ‘publish’ button on this post, it’ll be December 10^th, which means it’ll be the birthday of the namesake of one of our family’s two favorite birthday cakes: Carol’s Chocolate Cake.

Sadly, since my sister lives in Massachusetts and I live in Pennsylvania, she won’t be receiving one of her chocolate cakes from me for her birthday. I know; bad little sister. But who knows? Maybe someone else will bake her one. In fact, I don’t even know if ‘Carol’s Chocolate Cake’ is considered ‘the’ birthday cake in her household.

I’m only realizing now that I should’ve baked one a few days ago and sent it to her. After all, I’ve gotten a lot of blog mileage out of her yummy delicious confection. I owe her one!

Photos Few and Far Between

Sadly, we rarely see each other. The last time I think we had our photo taken together was at Karl’s Gathering – so, eight years ago. I’ll see if I can hunt down that photo. I believe it has the rest of my siblings in it, so I probably shouldn’t post it. Some members of my family probably don’t want to be associated with me anymore.

Why?

Perhaps because I’m an unabashed feminist and liberal, and so do not apparently share the same sensibilities as some of my siblings. (And I’m undoubtedly thought of as an opinionated big mouth, too. Ha ha – not all that inaccurate, I suppose.)

Oooh, that’s so dangerous. Talking about stuff like this publicly.

Don’t worry you guys, I won’t publish your photos or mention your names. The fact that I even write that is silly. On the best day, I’m sure only two siblings, at most, read what I write. Ever.

Maintaining the Façade

It’s funny, isn’t it? The lengths we go to to maintain a façade that hasn’t been accurate in years (if it ever was). I know I always felt our family was indivisible, bonded by a love that could never be broken. Then…stuff happened.

Probably the biggest thing, I guess, was the death of our father nearly 20 years ago. And no, it had nothing to do with what people might assume when they read that sentence. It had nothing to do with money or inheritance or anything like that. It was actually, simply, the breaking of the last thread.

Our mother’s death 30 years ago was a huge loss. She truly was the linchpin of our family. But losing her didn’t tear us apart. And our father’s death didn’t either, per se. Rather, his death merely led to us all focusing upon our own nuclear families and losing our central shared focus, the hub of our familial attention, which had been our parents.

Things happened in our country, too, which exacerbated differing viewpoints that apparently had lain undetected beneath the surface. At least I was blindsided by how different we could think about life, having been raised by the same people.

Death of an Illusion

When I was a kid, being the youngest (by a lot, the closest in age being nine years older than I am) was an idyllic spot to occupy. I adored my siblings. (I still do; I’ve just learned to employ some detachment, which helps.)

I also had what I always considered the best of all possible worlds. I was the youngest of five, so I had these amazing older siblings to learn from and look forward to having visit, and just overall have as role models in my life. But in many ways I also enjoyed the benefits of being an ‘only’ child, since I was only nine when the closest sibling left for college.

Christmas time was the best, when everyone would come to our house from states far and wide, bringing with them their children – my nieces and nephews – the first three of whom were closer in age to me than my closest sibling! I finally had kids to play with! And I was ‘the oldest,’ for once. (And yes, I hang my head in shame; I did lord it over them occasionally. We won’t go there.) But having so many nieces and nephews contributed to that pervasive feeling that I truly had the best of all worlds.

I would never have imagined us all going our separate ways so starkly, so unequivocally, and, dare I say it, so harshly.

But there it is.

Happy Birthday

I probably shouldn’t hit ‘publish’ on this. I’m sure it holds little appeal to you, the readers I appreciate so very much, and probably lacks any intrinsic value, either. But you know what? Every once in a while I deeply, deeply miss what I thought we had.

I remember each and every one of my siblings’ birthdays. So of course I will be thinking about Carol tomorrow (now today).

And I guess my point in writing any of this is to remind all of us – you who are reading it, and myself who is writing it – to cherish what we have. Because you can’t count on it lasting ‘forever.’ No matter how tight you think you are with any group of people, blood or not. Things happen. People change. And what you thought would last forever can be gone like the puff of a birthday candle.

The love I have when I recall looking up to my sisters and brother will never end. Just the expression of it, I guess.

Happy birthday, Carol! I love you.