Library Annex – Day Twenty One

Library Annex

I’m excited.

Granted, it doesn’t generally take a lot to make me happy, but I haven’t experienced this particular ‘excitement’ in quite a while.

Karl and I engaged in some serious decluttering this weekend. Oh my goodness; I feel liberated.

Decluttering and Books

Most of my efforts were directed toward rearranging our books. We are incredibly lucky to have a wonderfully extensive – if eclectic – collection. They can be broken down roughly into about ten categories:  metaphysics; shamanism (a subcategory, it could be argued, but we have so many it has to be its own category); writing; science fiction; art/creativity; reference (yep, I refuse to get rid of our bound World Book encyclopedias, various dictionaries, thesauri, atlases); memoir; general fiction/young adult/feminist literature; plant/nature/environmentalism; and divination.

When we purchased our home back in 1985, a significant appeal was the ‘library’ (really just the dining room), which had bookshelves taking up all the free space on every single wall. The former owners had painted the walls behind the stained wooden built-in shelves a dark green, mimicking the deep green felt of libraries of yore.

Naturally, we were obligated to fill those shelves.

And through the years and the raising of three sons, through both lean and flush times, our greatest single indulgence as a family was books. In fact, for many years, it was our tradition to go to Borders on New Year’s Day. Although, truth be told, any excuse would do – and it didn’t have to be the start of a brand new year.

Borders and Barnes & Noble

Travel soccer tournament in Virginia? No problem! We’d just scope out a bookstore that we could retreat to between games. Ideally, we’d look for a local independent store, but for a while there, the easiest finds were the ubiquitous ‘big box’ purveyors, namely the aforementioned Borders and Barnes & Noble. They also had the best hours. Any trip anywhere, no matter where or for what purpose, would always be made better by tracking down a bookstore.

We’d often find something small and local almost everywhere we went because, being the odd ducks that we were, we would seek out the ‘metaphysical’ bookstores. Our experience was that the ‘big box’ stores were resistant to carrying selections out of the mainstream – at least at first. Or maybe I should say, their selections of shamanic books, for instance, were so pathetically inadequate that they would rarely be worth our time. (In other words, they carried Castaneda. Period.)

The appeal, though, of the bigger stores was the selection of magazines they carried. Son Karl would inevitably snag the latest copy of Fortean Times, and as we drove home or to the next soccer game, he would read us outlandish snippets from its pages.

Maximus and Sage would almost always find something to read, at least while we browsed. And lot, a lot, a lot of comedy found its way home from these excursions. Indeed, every Farside anthology published can probably be found somewhere in this house.

Come to think of it, Karl and I used to get teased by our fellow parents at soccer games because we’d never show up without each harboring a book.

Library Annex

Anyway…

My delight in what we worked on this weekend stems from the fact that the bedroom that used to be Maximus’s is now entirely a library annex to our downstairs branch! This has enabled me to free up the shelves downstairs – no more books piled crossways on top of those regularly shelved – or I could say stuffed. And the cool thing is that it doesn’t feel as though I am making room to buy more books, although that will always remain a possibility. (Just so everyone knows, we are dedicated library-goers as well.)

Rather, freeing up our shelves and creating an upstairs library is more of an energetic opening than anything else. It feels like we’re creating more room to allow our creativity to flourish.

And that, my friends, is truly exhilarating.

(T-1090)

Day Fifteen (T-1096)

“Cawing” It Like I See It

 

This will probably be a pretty short post. I’m still in the midst of my laptop saga. There is a chance I will be visited by a Dell technician tomorrow, provided the new motherboard and LCD something-or-other have been delivered. But it sounds like the right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing, so it will be interesting to see how this unfolds. And of course I will keep you updated!

Once again: I am SO GRATEFUL to have my MacBook Air. Geesh, where would I be without it?

In the meantime, I want to alert you to a decidedly dubious decision made by Facebook today.

I have a great friend, Myrina, who recently launched a website and instagram account offering a unique and fascinating insight into the application of tarot in our lives, working specifically with a really cool deck that focuses on alchemy. This is her website . Her instagram name is cosmic.meta.crow.

Anyway, this is the post she just made a few days ago:

Now I want you to contemplate everything you see and hear and read about not only on FB, but also on television, in magazines, in movies, etc. Think about all of the egregious images and concepts that fill our airwaves every day.

Well, guess what? (I’m sure on some level you won’t be surprised in the least.) Facebook (or Instagram) (or both) refused to allow Myrina to promote her post for this week (a three card “spread” for which she offers an interpretation for readers to ponder) because of the Lovers Card!

Check that card out. It doesn’t even have any full-frontal nudity! It is the Lovers card. And her post was deemed offensive.

I find it offensive that we can be inundated with violence every day, but a drawing of two human bodies, in repose and affection, with hardly the slightest glimpse of anything is deemed too risqué for publication.

I think this whole ridiculousness highlights the astonishing prudishness (or should I say, “Puritanism?”) that remains vital and flourishing in this country.

How in the world can the human body be deemed offensive when killing and maiming it is not? Indeed, even more perverse is the categorization of the concept of “Lovers” as objectionable. Is it sex? They’re clearly not “having sex” on this card. Just what is so terrifying about the ultimate expression of our desire for union anyway?

If you are interested in a fascinating, complex, introspective perspective on tarot and how it might provide you with some insight and guidance each week, I encourage you to visit my subversive cosmic.meta.crow friend’s site. Be a little naughty (at least, according to Facebook) – you just might fly free!

Day Thirteen (T-1098)

Sheila – the loved and literal Mommy Dog – Photo: L. Weikel

 

Mommydog 

I saw this video (click on the title, above) about a week ago, when my friend, Beth, posted it on FB. The video (which I love, and can’t get out of my head) is performed by her son, Asher Roth.

I’ve known Beth for about eight years now. Maybe nine.

In December, 2010, my son Karl and I drove cross-country from California back to Pennsylvania. Some of the encounters we had along the way may provide fodder for future posts, but not tonight.

My point in bringing that trek up is to give context to the fact that I gave Karl an astrological-and-tarot reading with Beth that month. He was just completing his ‘Saturn return’ (an occurrence we all experience every 28-30 years, which I’ll definitely write about soon) and he allowed me to sit in on the reading with him, which was fascinating.

Transits and Challenges

This was the first time he’d been home in at least a year, I believe, and it had been a tough one. I’m so glad he and Beth let me sit in, because I took notes during the reading – which I’d forgotten and only just rediscovered recently. This discovery proved particularly fortuitous, since Beth had long since deleted her recording of the reading when he lost his life eleven months later.

The tale told by the position of the stars at his birth and the transits that were bringing challenges and adventures for him to experience that next year (2011) were eerily remarkable, particularly in hindsight.

But I digress.

During that ‘reading,’ and many, many times since then, Beth has remarked how much Karl reminded her of her son, Asher. The creativity, the affection, the sense of humor, the depth. The talent.

When I watched and listened to Asher’s song last week, I knew I would post it today, because we held Karl’s Gathering in honor of his life on the Saturday following Thanksgiving Day 2011. So on this Saturday following Thanksgiving Day 2018, with the recent release of this heart-expanding and yet heart-rending video, I knew I wanted to post this in honor of all the sons out there like Asher. And Karl. Sons who venture out into the world to do their thing, make their mark, and create something unique to their hearts – yet ultimately realize the depth of their roots and what really matters.

What Really Matters

I have to admit, the first time I watched this I tried to maintain an emotional distance. I tried to pretend it wouldn’t touch me, even though I knew simply from the title that it would. I tried not to feel how much I wished I could feel the arms of Karl around me once again.

But the second time? Not a chance. I couldn’t not feel tears welling up in my eyes and a sob catching in my throat. There is such a beauty to this video. Such a reflection of love of family, of appreciation for what is truly valuable and meaningful…

There is such a reflection, to me, of what I had with Karl and what I’m lucky enough to have with my two other sons (and their father). And the two amazing young women I now consider daughters.

Family. Love. Roots.

This video is amazing and makes it almost possible for me to imagine Karl creating it for me.

Thank you, Asher.

Day Nine (T-1102)

Moose, Moose, and More Moose

In my post yesterday, I described how I interpreted receiving “Moose2” the morning after publishing my “Devotion” post, the first of 1111 posts I’ve committed to writing as an Act of Power and devotion to my son Karl.

And I pretty much focused upon the words I shared yesterday as the essential point drawing Moose was telling me.

So that was Tuesday morning: Moose2 .

IMAGINE my surprise, then, when I made the following choices the rest of last week:

Wednesday:    Moose/Mouse. (Again, the way I’ve written that means I chose Moose as my main pick – and that can be the top card, from the middle, wherever – by ‘top’ card I always mean the main card I consciously felt was the one I wanted to turn or pull out and look at. And Mouse was on the bottom. Literally. The bottom card is always the bottom card.)

Thursday:       Moose/Mouse. (And again, I chose these cards in this specific configuration after Karl had shuffled and made a fresh pick of his own that morning!)

Friday:            Moose/Fox.

Coincidence? Naah

Seriously. Choosing it a second time (on Wednesday) was cool. I immediately just took it to mean Spirit was giving me the aforementioned ‘pat on the back’ for having slogged out a post Tuesday night and published it before the stroke of midnight, even after getting home close to 10:00 p.m. after a really long session at work.

I’m pretty sure I glossed right through the text that morning, possibly because Karl had to leave earlier than usual and I suggested he just get on the road without me having to read it to him again, especially since we’d read it just the day before. (Yeah, we cut corners sometimes.)

With Mouse underneath, I just sort of took it to mean that I was doing well keeping my commitment – and paying attention to the details. Or maybe it was writing about the details. I wasn’t sure, but I did somehow feel that the Mouse was pointing to the fact that the Moose was related to acknowledging the discipline I was exercising in getting the act of writing and posting done.

After choosing it for a third day in a row (on Thursday) we started joking that the card ‘must be bent.’ But it wasn’t.

I had chosen it as I ran out the door for a very early (i.e., crack of dawn) appointment with a loved one. So yet again, Karl and I didn’t ‘read’ our cards until later in the day, when we were safely home in the midst of that very surprising, slippery, and deep (!) snowstorm that hit us.

Reading It Again

Once we were home together again, though, we felt it important to read our cards out loud, paying special attention to my Moose, since it had made a third appearance.

It was only then that I realized Moose was not only giving me ‘atta-girls’ for following through with my commitment, but was also confirming those leanings I’ve started sensing within myself about changes that may be coming as far as my focus in life.

First of all, reading further into Moose, I felt I was being given additional specific confirmation that the whole blog commitment overall is on target:

“The wisdom woven throughout this scenario is that creation constantly brings forth new ideas and further creation.”

That seemed to me to confirm the initial ‘hit’ I’d received about both of us needing to actively engage our creative pursuits as a means of honoring Karl’s life.

More Breadcrumbs

Then I realized as I read further, that perhaps my recent musings on ‘elderhood’ were – again – breadcrumbs leading me forward:

“Moose medicine is often found in elders who have walked the Good Red Road and have seen many things in their Earth Walk. (…)

The elders are honored in tribal law for their gifts of wisdom, for their teaching abilities, and for the calmness they impart in Council. (…)

If you have chosen the Moose card, you have reason to feel good about something you have accomplished on your journey. This may be a habit you have broken, a completion of some sort, an insight on a goal, or a new sense of self that you have fought hard to earn. (…)”

And then the final paragraph of Moose ‘upright’:

“One good exercise in Moose medicine is to write down things that you can love about yourself and your progress in life. Then apply these same things to friends, family, coworkers, and life. Don’t forget to share the findings with others. They need the encouragement as much as you do.

Spelling It Out

Wow.

Nothing like having it written out before me!  The encouragement to pursue this grand 1111 Devotion, and to realize that I might be starting to walk the path of an Elder. And best of all, that I would be doing it not for myself alone, but to share with each one of you who is choosing to share this journey with me.

Wow indeed. For then I received Moose yet one more time (on Friday). The appearance of Fox underneath emphasized, to me, that this is an act of creativity that is forcing me to allow myself to be noticed. I may seem like I’m cool with talking about all of this, but trust me, I feel naked.

Finally, I want to be clear: I do not think of myself as an “Elder.” If anything, I am on the cusp of Elderhood. I suspect those of you who keep reading may witness a transformation? I don’t know.  I hope so. I guess I feel like I’m a “Cuspy-Crone.” Mmm. Sounds delicious.

Picking Cards – the Weikel Way – Day Seven (T-1104)

Embracing Moose

Initially I was going to ‘apologize in advance’ for yet another blog post referencing the Medicine Cards©  by Jamie Sams and David Carson. But you know what? No apologies.

If you are still with me after six days of my posts (without me even giving you the option to receive them personally delivered to your email inbox – a feature coming soon to an inbox near you – perhaps as soon as tomorrow or the next day!), then you probably have surmised that these wonderful windows into understanding ourselves via Mother Nature’s creatures are a big part of my life.

With one thousand one hundred four blog posts on my horizon (at the very least), I can assure you that at least a half bazillion of them will center on, or in some way reference, the Medicine Cards© and how they impact my understanding of something in my life in one way or another. And I will write about it. And therefore you, if you’re as devoted to reading my blog as I will be to writing it, will read about it.

Feels like a full circle to me. Or at least some weird type of metaphysical co-dependency – but I’d rather think of it as a “circle of appreciation,” and perhaps even “wisdom sharing.” I would insert an eye roll here if I were texting.

Today’s post marks the completion of a full seven days of 1111 Devotion posts on Ruffled Feathers. In the grand scheme of things, this is a miniscule accomplishment. Not even 1%. Exactly 0.63%, to be honest. Hardly something to crow about. (Don’t go there.) And that is my human, perfectionist, egotistical, relentlessly critical perspective on my process. The one that says, “You can start to feel like you’re ‘all that’ when you get to, maybe, oh I don’t know, Day Five Hundred Fifty Six. But NOT ONE DAY BEFORE.”

But Spirit is different. Spirit is not an asshat to me. (I almost wrote the other word, but it just felt wrong – because Spirit’s not an asshole. Woops.)

On the contrary. Right out of the gate Spirit knew I would need reassurance that I had indeed “heard right” (i.e., listened) to the message that the best way to honor my son’s life was to engage in a substantial act of Devotion. 1111 sub-acts, to be precise.

Because let me tell you, since creating Ruffled Feathers in March of 2010, up through the day before writing my Devotion post, I had published a grand total of 31 entries, or an average of 3.5 per year. So committing to this Act of Power, as I’ve also called it, has almost every evening this past week caused my stomach to sort-of bottom out.

Yes, Spirit knew I would need a lot of coaxing to refrain from talking myself out of the fact that I’d actually received and correctly interpreted an inspiration (Spirit-nudge? Marching orders?) to write 1111 blog posts. I’m a lawyer. It would not take a lot for me to muster a pretty compelling argument that I’d somehow misheard that directive from Spirit.

But the fact remains that last Sunday (11/11) was the day I received the inspiration (and the confirmation from several sources, which I wrote about this past week) to do this thing.

Monday night I published my initial Devotion post, publicly committing to this Act of Power.

Tuesday morning, I picked:    Moose2. Yes, that correctly reads “Moose squared.” And what it means is that I chose Moose right side up, and the card on the bottom was a “blank.”

Remember, Karl and I choose cards virtually every single day at the start of our morning. Our ‘picking process’ is as follows:

Karl chooses first, shuffling, softly breathing his request for guidance on his day into the cards, shuffling some more, keeping his feet firmly planted on the ground to root him to Mother Earth…and then he picks what he picks. I read out loud the full main text of the top card, if it is upright, but if his top card is reversed, or ‘contrary,’ I read both the upright (main) and reversed passages in the accompanying text. I do not read out loud the information for the ‘underneath’ card. We just look at it, note it, and discuss how it might hone in on or otherwise clarify the application of the message of the top card.

Eventually it’s my turn, and I engage in essentially the same process.

So, to be clear, I’m never just picking up the deck and not shuffling, or doing anything else that might be odd or nefariously manipulating the deck, or my ‘pick,’ for the purpose of later writing about some amazing ‘coincidence.’ In fact, I shuffle and shuffle relentlessly, deliberately turning cards this way and that, just to ensure that they’re properly ‘mixed.’

Also, the Medicine Cards© deck comes with five or so ‘blank’ cards, which the authors or publishers suggest can be used for people who want to draw their own animals or insects or whatever. That’s not our thing. But we keep them in the deck for a two-fold purpose:

First, if we shuffle and shuffle and choose a “blank,” we take it to mean that we’re not grounded. Oftentimes we may be talking about extraneous things, joking around, being irreverent, or otherwise not being fully present to the task at hand, and we’ll get smacked by pulling a blank. So when we pull a blank, we know we need to settle ourselves and really get grounded and as clear as we can muster.

The other way we interpret the blanks is if they show up on the bottom of the deck after choosing our top or main card. If there is no other specific card showing up on the bottom to give the top card ‘context,’ then we consider that top pick ‘squared,’ and figure Spirit is telling us that the top card is either really important and we need to pay attention, or it’s influence is going to show up in our life very powerfully that day. Or both.

And so ends our Medicine Cards© Tutorial/the Weikel-Way,’ which was not what I initially intended to focus upon in this post. But I’ve rambled on far too long, and if my posts take up too much time for you to read, you may never come back!

Who am I kidding? Yes, I should keep my posts to a reasonable length. But this one went long, and I have 1104 left to write after this one, so I might as well save my Moose discussion for tomorrow. Thank you for reading; it really means a lot to me.

Following My Sonar – Day Four

Dolphin reversed/Jaguar

I suspect this is going to be anti-climactic, since I’ve delayed writing about it for two days; nevertheless, here is the short tale of how my “pick” for the day on Sunday started the ball rolling toward this mammoth freaking blogging extravaganza. Commitment.

As I mentioned in my Devotion post, when I asked Karl (my husband), how we could best honor our son, Karl’s, life, the “answer” immediately flashed in my head: “Karl must do art and I must write.” I knew it in an instant, and I knew it to be true.

But of course this seemed obvious to me. Our son was relentlessly creative – and probably more talented than both of his parents combined. So yeah, I understood why each of us engaging in our favored creative outlets would be the best way to “honor” his life. So, even though I knew this “answer” had flashed distinctly into my mind, I wasn’t convinced the answer was pure.

Following this initial conversation, Karl and I fell silent, lost in our private thoughts, savoring our early morning coffee, and ultimately choosing our Medicine Cards© for the day. As I described in my “Devotion” post, the intention I held as I chose my cards for the day was specifically, “How can I be of greatest service to the memory of my Bug Pie?” And thus, I chose Dolphin reversed with Jaguar underneath.

As I’ve described before, Karl and I have chosen Medicine Cards© virtually every day for the past 28 years or so. We take the top card we choose as the main card for our day, and we look to the bottom card for “context” or to help us understand better the application or interpretation of the top card. I’ve also described how I make a point of reading the entire description of the top card chosen, in spite of the fact that we’ve been engaging in this practice every day for so many years. (For expediency’s sake, though, we never read the bottom card – we just take into account our general knowledge of the essential characteristics of that card and see if it helps us understand what the top card is telling us.)

As I read Dolphin, I was acutely aware this day of the irony that Dolphin begins with these words:

“Dolphin speaks to us of the breath of life, the only thing that humans cannot go without for more than a few minutes. We can live without water and food for days, but oxygen is the source of our sustenance. …”

Hmmm, yes. It was oxygen, specifically, that Karl was forced to go without – at his peril.

The next part of the essay on Dolphin that spoke to me was:

“Dolphin was given a new job. He became the carrier of messages of our progress. (…) This can be a time when you are to link with Great Spirit and bring answers to your own questions or to those of others.”

The reversal of Dolphin didn’t make a lot of sense to me vis-à-vis my question, except when I read:

“Pay close attention to your health and your feelings. (…) Another message of contrary Dolphin is that many signals are carried through universal tides or waves, and you may be failing to use your sonar.”

It was at this point that the specific word Devotion first came to mind. It popped into my head and I knew without question that I’d not been paying attention to my feelings. I’ve felt something big approaching, some profound change in the nature or scope of my healing work, or my teaching, or perhaps even my writing (which if I’m honest has languished since publishing Owl Medicine in 2001), but I wasn’t “getting it.” I’ve honestly been wondering what “change” was on the horizon, yearning for it to be revealed.

I wasn’t getting it. Or maybe, I wasn’t doing it.

Yet it wasn’t simply the sense that I’ve been ‘failing to use my sonar’ (or failing to listen to what I should be focusing upon and acting upon it). It was also the fact that Jaguar was “underneath,” coloring and adding nuance to this scenario. Jaguar – an archetype profoundly dear to me, both personally and in my work in the shamanic realm. Jaguar – which represents, for me at least, the qualities of integrity and impeccability; qualities that I aspire to live by and hold as the guiding standards for my behavior; qualities that perhaps I wasn’t applying to the message being sent by Dolphin.

It was then that I realized that, yes, the best way I could be of greatest service to Karl’s memory is to write – to not only engage in my creative outlet but in so doing be a “message carrier” – but that I must do so with the integrity and impeccability I hold so dear: I must engage this writing with DEVOTION.

This was (and is) big for me, as I give my writing the least priority of anything else I do.

Thus, as I read Dolphin and its reversal, and coupled it with the exacting standards of Jaguar underneath, I had the feeling that I am being called to a Devotion; to engage in an Act of Power in Karl’s honor: writing a blog post every single day, no matter how long or short, for at least one year.

So where did the leap to 1111 days come from?

Tomorrow. I’ll save that part for tomorrow.

(T-1107)

Devotion

Marking an Anniversary

Yesterday marked the seventh anniversary of my eldest son, Karl’s, very sudden and unexpected death. He drowned alone in a hot spring in the No-Man’s-Land of the California desert on the west side of the Chocolate Mountains. He was 30 years old.

I awakened yesterday to text messages from several amazing friends and a handful of family members, each reaching out and assuring me via electronic hugs and tender words that he is remembered. That Karl existed. That he mattered.

Half an hour later I read these kind wishes out loud as my husband Karl and I sipped coffee and looked at each other across the living room, sunlight refracting through cut-glass crystal ornaments hanging in our windows casting rainbow dogs throughout the room. Magic amid sorrow.

Yearning to Honor His Life

“How can we honor Karl’s life?” I asked his father, my husband of 38 years. The answer flashed in my awareness before the final word of my question made its way across the room.

“I don’t know?” his furrowed brow indicating he didn’t want to hazard a guess.

“Yeah, you do. We both do.” I searched his face, my eyes locking with his, knowing he, too, knew instantly. In that moment. As soon as I’d voiced the question.

“Our art?” he asked, doubt dusting the edges of his response.

“Yes,” I affirmed, my heart beating just a little bit faster because he really did know it, too. “Your painting. My writing.”

We just sat there. Looking at each other. “Creation. Creativity. It’s what he was all about. It’s what LIFE is all about,” I added. “And we need to do it without any regard for its ‘worth’ to others. We just need to do it.”

Minutes later, we picked our Medicine Cards© for the day, finished our coffee, and moved forward, silently contemplating what exactly this might mean for each of us.

1111 Devotion – An Act of Power

For me, the cards I chose reinforced the answer to my question. Indeed, they added a specificity that, along with other synchronous indicators I’d encountered within the past 12 days (but only put together yesterday afternoon), resulted in the blog post you are reading right now. My first blog post in 11 months.

Almost always, I choose cards each morning with Karl, over coffee, silently asking, “How can I be of highest service to my self today?” How I came to realize the importance of this question (and how unselfish it actually is, in spite of how it sounds) is perhaps something I’ll address another day. But yesterday, my question was different. It was, “How can I be of greatest service to Karl’s memory?”

I chose Dolphin reversed with Jaguar underneath.

As I will explain, this led me to realize that I am being called to engage in an Act of Power: an act of Devotion, if you will. According to the World Book Dictionary, a definition of devotion is “…3. The act of devoting or setting apart to a sacred use or purpose; solemn dedication; consecration.” Mmm, yes. That feels right.

This blog will be my visible devotion to my son’s memory. My Act of Power. For the next 1111 days, I will create a post. Some may only be a sentence long, for that may be all I can muster. Some may, and let’s face it, almost certainly will, be much longer. The topics may wander all over the map; there is no consistent theme to these future posts, at least from my perspective at this moment, at the outset of this journey. And considering that these posts will take me – us, if you join me – to November 26th, 2021, I probably cannot even imagine the topics that will arise for me to discuss.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I am daunted by the discipline this will take.

But I will listen to the message. I will engage in this act of devotion to my son’s memory. And so, I begin.