consistency

A Return – Day 907

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Post-Yoga Serenity – Photo: L. Weikel

A Return

Today I experienced a taste of the way life used to be – a taste of something I totally took for granted. I experienced a return to something familiar.

I’ll be honest: the pandemic was merely an excuse. I’d slacked off outrageously for at least a year before the plague struck. And I can’t even articulate a reason. So the truth is even more heinous than the superficial appearance: before today, I hadn’t been to yoga in at least two years*.

I’m not even sure what finally motivated me to drag my carcass to the studio, but I finally relented. It was probably an inchoate sense that my time for slacking was over. Denial was no longer an option.

Ugh; I Just Can’t – Photo: L. Weikel

Getting Back On the Mat

The owner of the yoga studio was as surprised to see me walk in the door as I was to arrive there. When she asked me how I wanted to pay (for a single class or did I want to buy a package of five classes – or ten), I was tempted to just pay for one. Heck – I was skeptical I’d make it through a single class. I’m not kidding. You’d know I wasn’t kidding if you lived with me and could hear me groan like an elk in mating season whenever I get up off the floor.

But here I was – not even sitting on my map and warming up – being faced with making a commitment to the future.

Half Happy Baby Is Better Than None – Photo: L. Weikel

While the two-year hiatus I’d just engaged in was indeed a long slog of ignoring my body’s need to stretch, I’d actually been worse at an earlier stage in my life. It wasn’t until my late 30s that I even contemplated doing yoga once a week. So technically, I’d already overcome a 20 year slug-a-thon.

Was This Time Different?

Getting back on the wagon now? Heck yeah.

I reminded myself what it was like after I went to my first yoga class back when I was 38 or so. I remembered the drive home that evening. My body was vibrating. I could feel myself sitting three inches taller behind the wheel of my car.

Through every pose, though, my mind had screamed, “I can’t do this! Oh my God! This is horrible! I hate this! I don’t want to do this anymore! Why am I here?”

And at the very same time as my mind screeched its outrage, my body was nearly weeping with relief. It was one of the strangest feelings I’ve ever witnessed and felt at the same time. I literally experienced the dichotomy between my mind’s resistance and my body’s relief.

Aaah – Photo: L. Weikel

Setting My Intention

So yeah, of course, my response was: “In for a penny; in for a pound. Even though I’m not sure whether I’ll make it through today’s class without weeping, sign me up for a ten-pack of classes.”

How was it, you might ask? Overall, it felt great. There were moments, I’ll admit, that were reminiscent of that first yoga class 25 years or so ago. But I have to say – I’ve been telling my body all day how grateful I am for her. She’s better than a Timex watch.

And since I’m not into selfies, nor would I abuse you, my dear readers, by subjecting you to shots of me doing yoga (ew – just the thought makes me shudder), I’m going to allow my cats (both living and deceased) to act out today’s class.

It felt delicious. This was a return that feels profoundly beneficial on many levels.

Exhausted But Content – Photo: L. Weikel

*And judging from this post, aside from the occasional ‘random’ yoga class, it’s actually been longer than two years that I engaged in this practice with any consistency whatsoever. Sad.

(T-204)

Salted Caramel Filled Chocolates – Day Ninety

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Salted Caramel Filled Chocolates…           

are the only thing keeping me awake at the moment.

I’ve always stayed up late. (Yeah, a night owl. Go figure.) But pretty much since I started my 1111 Devotion, I’ve been staying up even later than I used to, and on a much more consistent basis. And by later I mean for the past 90 days I’ve not gone to bed before 12:30 a.m. at the earliest and 2:15 a.m. at the latest. On average, hitting the sheets by around 1:30 a.m.

For the most part, it works out. I’ve always done my best work at night. Since my college days, the dark hours when most other people are asleep were when I accomplished the most. So this isn’t a shockingly new development. The toll taker is the consistency.

And this week has been a particularly challenging stretch. Earlier in the week, I had to get up at 4:15 a.m. to take Karl to the airport. So my Wednesday was a little ragged around the edges, if I do say so myself.

Then last night I didn’t get to bed until 2:00-ish, in spite of how tired I was, and then got back up at 5:15 to make the pilgrimage back to Newark in order to collect Karl off the red-eye.

Sleep Deprivation Can Be a Bitch

Maybe it was that I only got three hours of sleep two out of the last four days. (Yeah, that might be it.) Maybe I just don’t have the EverReady Bunny mojo I used to have? Yeah, that could be it; I don’t know. One thing I do know: I’ve been borderline zombie today.

So here I am, listening to Karl’s rhythmic breathing/pseudo-snoring as he slumbers on the couch. I close my eyes to pull words from the ethers and find myself nodding off in what feel like micro-naps. I catch myself when my head bobs and I realize I’ve lost my train of thought.

Enter Chocolove filled Salted Caramel dark chocolate. Someone must have been watching over me when I went to Whole Foods on Thursday and discovered these bars of chocolate-y pillows of delight were on sale.

Probably the only reason I’ve managed to write this much is because I indulged.

A Shift in Perspective

Believe it or not, I started this post out expressing disappointment and annoyance with myself for eating chocolate so late in the evening. But I’ve deleted that garbage because I suddenly realize how lucky I am. So what if I’m overtired and need a little “chocolove” to help me follow through on my commitment? To add fuel to my Act of Power? To sustain my dedication?

I’m lucky because my husband is asleep on the couch. My sons are warm and cozy living their lives with their loves. I’m surrounded by my two dogs and three cats (even if they crowd me into a corner of our bed). I’m healthy and my senses are eager and able to indulge in the exquisite delight of a dark chocolate morsel filled with gooey salted caramel.

I have the extraordinary and magical good fortune of working with people and Spirit in the way I do. And how rich am I to hit the ‘publish’ button every night only to wake up to see that you have cared enough to walk another day with me on this journey?

So no. I’m not going to hold on to the sadness that swept across my brow last night. And I’m not going to lament the fact that I gave myself permission to eat some chocolate tonight. That’s just such an old, bullshit way of thinking.

I’m going to be grateful for the salted caramel filled dark chocolates with sweet little hearts embossed on top. I’m going to feel the love that permeates my life.

And I’m going to send it back out into the world: to you.

(T-1021)

A Quickie on Dolphin – Day Three (T-1108)

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A Quickie on Dolphin

Tomorrow I expect to have some extended time to myself which will permit me to focus exclusively on writing about those mysterious “signs” I said I received on Sunday, which urged me to embark upon this 1111 Devotion journey.

One of them was choosing “Dolphin” reversed with Jaguar underneath from my Medicine Cards.

I’m not going to get into how I interpreted those two cards, both with respect to their configuration to each other and how I felt they pertained to the concept of “DEVOTION” in this post. I really want to spend more time on that post than I have tonight.

So I will share with you the additional “insight” I had on what Dolphin was conveying to me when I chose it on Sunday – an insight which actually came to me in the very earliest of moments this morning (Wednesday), when I found myself feeling some regret over the fact that it seems to be taking me a long time to write about stuff that I should’ve just blurted out in my initial post.

As soon as I started realizing that I was feeling a bit bad and like I’m “behind” already, some words I know that are associated with Dolphin popped into my head: Pattern and rhythm.

And that quickly, I realized Dolphin is still guiding me. Indeed, it’s reassuring me.

I am at the very beginning of this quest. It’s OK if it’s not unfolding exactly how I might hope or expect. One of the things this 1111 Devotion commitment may be teaching me is how to bring a consistent pattern and rhythm to both this blog and my writing in a greater sense.

The realization that Dolphin was bringing me more messages than I even realized initially, lessons deeply important to me on a personal level, made me smile and breathe a sigh of both relief and gratitude for the magic that infuses my life.

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