commitment

What a Number – Day 999

Posted on by Lisa Weikel Leave a comment
Stars Through the Forest – Photo: L. Weikel

What a Number

What a number I just typed into the title line, above. Could I really be writing my last three-digit post tonight?

Numerologically speaking, this feels like an ending, even if I’ve not yet arrived at my goal of 1111 consecutive posts. Nines are completion. Three nines, no matter how you look at them, sort of hammer home the concept of completion. Beyond the simple fact of three nines comprising the number, if you add the nines, 9+9+9 = 27 and then 2+7=9. No matter which way you look at 999, it reduces to a 9, and thus it represents a wrapping up, a conclusion, an end to something.

Not My 1111 Devotion

The number 999 may signify completion of something, on some level, but it does not mean I intend to quit my Act of Power before I reach my goal. No; there remain 112 posts to write, and I intend to write them, Goddess willing.

It represents the end of three-digit posts. That’s pretty lame.

Honestly, I don’t know what – if anything – reaching this number signifies, other than I’m plugging along, doing my thing, honoring my word.

Day after day (technically night after night), I blow a quick kiss to my eldest son when I hit ‘publish’ and whisper, “I miss you so damn much. I remember you every single day. And I do this one little thing each night because I said I would. Because I love you.”

And although it’s a little thing, sometimes that’s the best I can do.

Fire Sprite Rising – Photo: L. Weikel

(T-112)

A Return – Day 907

Posted on by Lisa Weikel Leave a comment
Post-Yoga Serenity – Photo: L. Weikel

A Return

Today I experienced a taste of the way life used to be – a taste of something I totally took for granted. I experienced a return to something familiar.

I’ll be honest: the pandemic was merely an excuse. I’d slacked off outrageously for at least a year before the plague struck. And I can’t even articulate a reason. So the truth is even more heinous than the superficial appearance: before today, I hadn’t been to yoga in at least two years*.

I’m not even sure what finally motivated me to drag my carcass to the studio, but I finally relented. It was probably an inchoate sense that my time for slacking was over. Denial was no longer an option.

Ugh; I Just Can’t – Photo: L. Weikel

Getting Back On the Mat

The owner of the yoga studio was as surprised to see me walk in the door as I was to arrive there. When she asked me how I wanted to pay (for a single class or did I want to buy a package of five classes – or ten), I was tempted to just pay for one. Heck – I was skeptical I’d make it through a single class. I’m not kidding. You’d know I wasn’t kidding if you lived with me and could hear me groan like an elk in mating season whenever I get up off the floor.

But here I was – not even sitting on my map and warming up – being faced with making a commitment to the future.

Half Happy Baby Is Better Than None – Photo: L. Weikel

While the two-year hiatus I’d just engaged in was indeed a long slog of ignoring my body’s need to stretch, I’d actually been worse at an earlier stage in my life. It wasn’t until my late 30s that I even contemplated doing yoga once a week. So technically, I’d already overcome a 20 year slug-a-thon.

Was This Time Different?

Getting back on the wagon now? Heck yeah.

I reminded myself what it was like after I went to my first yoga class back when I was 38 or so. I remembered the drive home that evening. My body was vibrating. I could feel myself sitting three inches taller behind the wheel of my car.

Through every pose, though, my mind had screamed, “I can’t do this! Oh my God! This is horrible! I hate this! I don’t want to do this anymore! Why am I here?”

And at the very same time as my mind screeched its outrage, my body was nearly weeping with relief. It was one of the strangest feelings I’ve ever witnessed and felt at the same time. I literally experienced the dichotomy between my mind’s resistance and my body’s relief.

Aaah – Photo: L. Weikel

Setting My Intention

So yeah, of course, my response was: “In for a penny; in for a pound. Even though I’m not sure whether I’ll make it through today’s class without weeping, sign me up for a ten-pack of classes.”

How was it, you might ask? Overall, it felt great. There were moments, I’ll admit, that were reminiscent of that first yoga class 25 years or so ago. But I have to say – I’ve been telling my body all day how grateful I am for her. She’s better than a Timex watch.

And since I’m not into selfies, nor would I abuse you, my dear readers, by subjecting you to shots of me doing yoga (ew – just the thought makes me shudder), I’m going to allow my cats (both living and deceased) to act out today’s class.

It felt delicious. This was a return that feels profoundly beneficial on many levels.

Exhausted But Content – Photo: L. Weikel

*And judging from this post, aside from the occasional ‘random’ yoga class, it’s actually been longer than two years that I engaged in this practice with any consistency whatsoever. Sad.

(T-204)

Tipping Point – Day 555

Posted on by Lisa Weikel Leave a comment
Only days before his last – Photo: anonymous

Tipping Point

Wow. Here I am, teetering at the tipping point, the very center of the see-saw that is the commitment I made to honoring Karl’s prolific creativity with an Act of Power, a devotion of my own.

As I explained at the beginning of this particular journey, on 11/11/18, the seventh anniversary of Karl’s death, I was sitting here in our living room contemplating my son’s brief but intense life and wondering how I could in some way honor him.

To be honest, I’m a bit disappointed in myself that I never took up a cause or created a foundation or became an advocate dedicated to fiercely and fearlessly changing society or improving people’s lives in his memory. There’s a part of me that wishes I’d channeled my grief in such admirable ways.

But I didn’t.

Instead, on that 7th anniversary of his death, I listened to the messages I was receiving and followed the signs. I determined that the nudges I was getting were for me to simply enter into a daily act of devotion reflecting my love for him and the fact that a day does not go by without him in my thoughts, in my heart, and influencing my life.

1111 Devotion

As I wrote in my initial post in this endeavor, “(a)ccording to the World Book Dictionary, a definition of devotion is ‘…3. The act of devoting or setting apart to a sacred use or purpose; solemn dedication; consecration.’ (…) This blog will be my visible devotion to my son’s memory. My Act of Power. For the next 1111 days, I will create a post.”

In the first few days of following through on this bodacious commitment, I struggled with all sorts of internal beliefs and expectations. I did manage to describe here at least a few of the messages I’d received on the day I set this intention that confirmed this was an appropriate dedication.

I even received confirmation of the magnitude of this devotion (1111 consecutive posts), and wrote about that here.

Today I Stand At the Center

Inasmuch as 1111 does not divide equally, tonight’s post and tomorrow’s post, together, mark the halfway point of this great adventure. I consider tonight’s post the tipping point, for the moment I hit <publish> this evening, I will hit the tipping point. I won’t quite be on the downward trajectory. I’ll be at the apex.

In truth, I am not arriving at this tipping point alone. I know many of you have walked with me every step of the way, slogging through some really sucky posts, but supporting me nevertheless.

I hope you know how much that means to me.

Now. I better get this posted.

I’ll write more tomorrow. I promise.

Rainbow Up Close – Photo: L. Weikel

 

(T-556)

A Clear Channel – Day 525

Posted on by Lisa Weikel Leave a comment
Photo: L. Weikel

A Clear Channel

Although I didn’t set a schedule for implementing my idea of consulting an oracle or other means of guidance for us to bear in mind, I was sort of leaning toward choosing one tonight so we could start the week out with something new to think about.

Well, if nothing else, that just goes to show what happens when you only sort oflean toward doing something instead of making the firm commitment to do it.

Had I made a definitive commitment to choosing on our collective behalf this evening, I would not have had a beer earlier.

Stickler for Clarity

I know; it probably sounds dumb. But I do try to keep myself as ‘clear’ as possible when doing energetic work, even if it’s as simple as centering myself and selecting some guidance. And that’s particularly true when I act on behalf of someone else. And since this would be accessing guidance on behalf of all of us, it stands to reason I would not want any substance cluttering up my ‘reception.’ Or perhaps it’d clutter up my request; who knows?

Either way, I’ve decided to wait until tomorrow night.

Of course, that leaves me in a lurch. Here I am with nothing to write.

My Personal Policy

I might as well come clean on my personal policy. I’m not exactly sure when or where it originated. Perhaps it’s just always felt like the right thing to do. If I could point to a specific person who modeled this behavior for me, I’d given them credit, but I can’t.

This whole attempt to be as clear as possible in order to allow the energy to flow unfettered extends, obviously, to when I have a session with a client. That means when I have an appointment scheduled with a client, I don’t drink alcohol the night before. Obviously, then, I would not indulge on the same day as doing any work for someone. (At least not before the session!)

Sometimes I think I do it because it’s simply a form of dedication and discipline. It’s a commitment I make internally to being a clear channel – the best purveyor – of information and energy I can be for my client. And it’s a small sacrifice I make, an awareness I bring to the responsibility of working on someone, that reminds me that what I’m doing isn’t a game. It’s an honor.

I’ll keep it clean tomorrow. I promise.

(T-586)

Spontaneous Pick – Day 373

Posted on by Lisa Weikel Leave a comment
Jaguar Jet – Photo: L. Weikel

Spontaneous Pick

Man, I hate it when I sit down to begin writing my post for the evening and I struggle to keep my eyes open and my head from slumping into my chest.

Clearly, this will be a short post.

Jaguar

I want to share with you the cool airplane I saw today when mine pulled into its gate. It felt particularly significant as a message, given that I’d not had a chance to pick my Medicine Cards* this morning.

Being confronted by such a direct and obvious image of one of these ‘Big Cats’ encouraged me to be mindful today of acting in a manner that promotes integrity and encourages impeccable behavior.

Walking and Eating

I felt Jaguar was looking me square in the eye and encouraging me to once again re-commit to my walking routine again. I thus resumed with a four mile constitutional late this afternoon. It felt refreshing and invigorating at the time – but I do believe it may be contributing to my falling asleep sitting up this evening.

Another aspect of my life in which I need to apply some integrity and impeccability is my eating habits. It’s time to get back to listening to my body.

Writing

It’s also time to sit quietly with my journal (and laptop) and figure out where all of this – or that – is going. It just feels like time.

Other Applications?

Perhaps this spontaneous pick of Jaguar greeted me this morning so I could examine the myriad ways in which integrity and impeccability can be reintroduced into my world.

Reflecting on where Jaguar wants me to embrace its attributes is a wonderful way for me to spend tomorrow’s end of Mercury retrograde (“Mercury going direct”). It just feels right.

*affiliate link

(T-738)

Five More Days – Day 360

Posted on by Lisa Weikel Leave a comment
Four Beasts – Photo: L. Weikel

Five More Days

Tick tock. Yeah, I notice.

And you know what? It’s strange.

The past couple of posts have felt harder to write than the prior 260 or so. Prior? Previous? (Ha ha – this bugged me and I kept vacillating on which word was more appropriate, so I looked it up. Each used the other in their definition, pinging me into a self-reflective loop. Ugh. So I guess either one is technically ok to use, even though I sense a subtle but distinct difference. Maybe that’s what I get for using dictionary.com?)

And right there is yet another example of how easily it is for me to go off on tangents sometimes.

My Point

My point is that I’m closing in on the one year anniversary of my commitment to posting every single day for 1111 days in honor of our son Karl.

The first ten, fifteen, twenty days were tough. The very enormity of what I’d declared publicly loomed large and verged on the cusp of insurmountable. And then, surprisingly, I seemed to get into a rhythm.

When I realized the benefit of taking at least one photo during the day, the game (which is most definitely not a game) changed. Those photos saved my bacon many a day by giving me something to write about. A starting point. A platform from which I could dive into the twists and turns of an invisible tunnel.

A Journey of Sorts

I never actually thought of my posts in this way before, but in writing that last paragraph, I realize that the photos I use as instigators of my posts are portals, in a way, leading to unique and distinctive journeys that I map out before you with my words.

They each are completely unique because I rarely use the same portal more than once. That means that each portal has the potential to take me to unfamiliar territory.

Funny thing? Tonight I searched desperately for a photo I could use that would give me something to write about tonight. You see what I chose.

How did those four beasts (and yes, there is actually a dog completely submerged under the covers toward the front right of the photo) lead to this discussion?

I have no idea.

I guess that’s the magic of this process.

(T-752)

No Excuses – Day 197

Posted on by Lisa Weikel Leave a comment
Irises along Tory Road – Photo: L. Weikel

No Excuses   

The weather on this Memorial Day was so exquisitely perfect, I was left with no excuses not to renew my commitment to walking.

Karl was particularly supportive this morning. He suggested that we walk as soon as we finished drinking our coffee and picking our cards this morning. I was touched by his enthusiasm.

A cool breeze ruffled wisps of our hair into our eyes as we set out, the sun shining but not yet burning. Even Sheila trotted gamely along the roadside, getting sidetracked by tall grasses, butterflies, and many a marker left by fellow four legged travelers.

But…Traffic

The worst part about our walk was the traffic. We try to find joy in the fact that so many people are coming to the state and county parks that surround us because we know how essential it is for all of us to feed our souls with connection to Mother Nature. But wow.

Sometimes it really seems like people have their heads somewhere else. (I’m being kind in my description.) We – meaning Karl, Sheila, Spartacus, and I – can be completely off the road when a car approaches, with no cars coming the other direction, and still they seem to not even think that they should give us a wide berth and perhaps slow down to, say, the speed limit (since most people speed on country roads).

Add to that mix the many bicyclists who were out today and you may understand why we were so relieved to get home, in spite of the beauty and serenity of our walk (between cars).

Many Sharing the Road – Including…

Beyond the simple beauty of the day and the joy of walking together, and in spite of the traffic, we did encounter a wonderful box turtle. For a moment, I was afraid for what we might witness: I spotted her just as we were being passed by one car from behind. I saw a bicyclist coming toward us (and the turtle), and another car, also coming toward us, was waiting behind the cyclist for the car that passed us to pass them. (It sounds confusing, but I wanted to capture the confluence of actors in this potentially perilous scene!)

This girl, at least I think she’s a she, was in between all of us. And quite frankly, I’m afraid we may have been the only ones aware of her presence.

Eastern Box Turtle – Photo: L. Weikel

I’m pretty sure this is our first Box Turtle discovery of the 2019 season. My heart leapt into my throat when I realized the vortex of us, cars, bicycles, and turtles that was swirling and playing out before our eyes. But all resolved safely for everyone.

My feet and legs are a little bit sore at the moment, but the 6.5 miles I managed to walk today were worth it. There’s something to this walking thing. I’m still not quite sure yet what, but I know it feels important to me on a fundamental level.

(T-914)

Getting Back in the Groove – Day 196

Posted on by Lisa Weikel Leave a comment
Walking – One Step at a Time – Photo: L. Weikel

Getting Back in the Groove           

I’ve gotta tell you – getting back in the groove is not as easy as I thought it would be.

The last day I walked any substantial mileage was Saturday, May 4th. On that day I walked 4.5 miles. And the two days prior to that, I walked 6.8 miles and 6.3 miles.

Since then, however? Well, a couple days I walked almost three miles. But not quite. And the rest of the days’ mileages were just pittances. To be sure, given that I was in the mountains of western North Carolina, there were many days when I was visiting Amadell that I may not have walked very far horizontally – but I did manage to climb the equivalent of 18 floors a couple of times. And one day, last Sunday, May 19th , I actually walked 2.1 miles – and climbed the equivalent of 52 floors!

I have to say, that’s pretty impressive. The cool thing, though, was that I barely even noticed I was doing all that climbing.

Losing a Step

Nevertheless, I do feel the effects of stepping away from my dedicated activity. It’s been a struggle to enthusiastically embark upon any of my routes that take me further than my decades-old path of 2.1 miles.

Today I could have tacked on some extra mileage, yet all I managed to clock were 2.4 miles. As I mentioned the other day, it’s been a long week. And the month of May itself, spent predominantly in North Carolina on the side of a mountain, was bound to change up my routine.

So I’m not going to beat myself up too much over the paucity of mileage accumulated this month. In truth, over the past three weeks I often sang the praises (if internally) of the intuition that prompted me to start walking with accelerated gusto around my birthday.

A Book to Inspire

I did find it amusing that I found a book at Malaprops’ (you’ll recall I visited there while in Asheville) that seemed to shout at me from across the room: Walking – One Step at a Time, by Erling Kagge. The English translation from Norwegian was just published this year, and I’ve seen it in a couple of bookstores since I purchased it. It seems to be a staff favorite everywhere I’ve seen it featured.

I’ve only just allowed myself to savor it on the edges, because I’m still immersed in another book that has me contemplating quite seriously what I want to do next with my life.

One thing I know for sure: my ability to walk mile after mile is a profound gift. I do not intend to squander it; indeed, I am determined to reclaim it.

(T-915)

No Days Off – Day 153

Posted on by Lisa Weikel Leave a comment
Waxing Moon; Photo – L.Weikel

No Days Off

I was thinking about my 1111 Devotion project today as I was taking a sunset walk with Karl. I was grateful that there was enough time left in the day for us to walk, so I could at least get in two miles, our ‘usual’ walk with the dogs.

There’s a part of me that’s bummed that I only managed two miles today. And I find that fascinating – how much my perspective has changed in just the past two weeks. My original perspective, or at least the one I held most recently before the one I hold today, would have given myself internal high fives simply for walking at all today. Period.

But my recent walking expansion is a subject for another day, I think.

My thought today was wondering how I’m going to handle being away from my natural habitat. For instance, when I’m in North Carolina for Listening to Spirit, the workshop retreat I’ll be giving with Wendy Warner, M.D., on the benefits of conventional medical providers working in tandem with shamanic practitioners (LAST CALL to register!), will I have the wherewithal to post every evening?

I wonder.

I hope so.

Will ‘Canned’ Posts Suffice?

And then I thought, well, I could always write up a couple of ‘pinch-hitting’ posts ahead of time. You know, a couple of emergency posts I could keep ‘in the can,’ so to speak, for use when time gets away from me or I’m too exhausted to type my own name much less write a coherent sentence.

I’ve flirted with that idea before. So far, as you can tell if you’ve been sticking with me (and thank you if you have!), every post has been one that was written right before I hit <<send>>. Some have nearly been stream-of-consciousness. Some have actually been reflective. And some have been a bit random, I’ll admit.

But not a single one of them has been generic. Canned. Pre-writ. Yet.

When I’m in North Carolina (or, optimistically, in Peru or Siberia, or maybe Iceland or some as yet unnamed nations on a couple other continents I want to experience perhaps within the next three years), I’m going to be challenged.

I don’t think about it all that often, but I take for granted that I’ll have some quiet time late each night when I can sit with my little MacBook Air and peck out a post. But when I get with my tribe in person, when we’re talking late into the night about encounters we’ve had that day in this world or others, I may easily lose track of time.

What About the Wilderness?

I’m also starting to ponder what might happen if I go off on a retreat in the wilderness. And I mean literal wilderness. No laptop. No cellphone. No means of communicating with any of you.

The thought of that gives me pause.

I may bitch and moan to myself (and OK, to Karl sometimes) that it’s really hard to think of something to write about every single day. But after 152 days in a row (and that figure there just boggles my mind right out of the box), I’m seriously invested.

This Is Deep – and Getting Deeper

This 1111 Devotion is a commitment that grows deeper and more meaningful to me with each passing day, with each notch on the wall that says, “I showed up.” Because the rest of that sentence is, “I showed up and I did it for Karl.”

So I find pondering these two possible scenarios a bit anxiety producing; I feel my heart quicken a bit when I think about finding myself in a situation in which posting might be either extremely difficult or physically impossible.

I guess I’m still trying to figure out the value of this exercise, beyond it simply being my own personal dedication to my son.

I’m assuming my perspective will evolve. Out of necessity, eventually, I will probably need to compromise to an extent my current expectations of purity.

In the meantime, I’m going to continue to set and pursue my purist goals. Fresh thoughts each night. Even if they’re random.

(T-958)

Fasting as a Way of Being – Day 135

Posted on by Lisa Weikel Leave a comment
Cloud reflections; Photo: L.Weikel

Fasting as a Way of Being

It never fails. I feel good, vibrant.

I fast on Mondays, not for any health reason per se, but mostly because Karl and I got in the habit of doing so 27 years ago.

I know there was a time – a couple of years, perhaps, although that seems too long – that we put a temporary hold on that discipline. I’m not even sure why now. It may have been the loss of Karl, but to be fair, I really can’t – and shouldn’t – blame every disruption in our lives since 2011 on him.

It’s Become Like Second Nature

Indeed, it may actually have been a decade ago that we fell off the wagon for a brief while. Something tells me it may have been sometime after I started working for the Women’s Law Project, which was in 2003. Sitting here, I find it weird how I cannot distinctly remember a time since 1992 when we didn’t fast on Mondays. It feels so second nature to do so.

But I know we did go back to eating every day for a time. And it didn’t suit us. We missed the feeling, the strength, the sense of discipline and inner power that comes from just giving your system a rest.

Some days are harder than others. I’d say 80% of the time I barely even remember I’m fasting. It’s as if my system not only expects to take a full rest at least once a day, every week, but also revels in it. But those 20% moments? Those occasional times when I find my thoughts relentlessly turning to food or urging me to contemplate in exquisite detail just how tart and refreshing a nice juicy apple would taste? Those are the days I am most happy with my decision to hang in there. It’s those days that bring my attention precisely to what I’m doing and why. That focus on my commitment.

Unbeknownst to My Clients

One thing I really like about working at Medicine in Balance is the fact that I see clients on Tuesdays.  As a general rule, I’ve made it part of my individual ritual to never drink alcohol the night before I see a client. That goes for anywhere, any time. If I know (or even suspect) I will be called upon to “do the Work,” as I call it, on any given day, I will take care and be discerning in what I ingest the day before.

But clients with whom I work on a Tuesday receive the added benefit of me not having eaten since Sunday evening. I honestly like it that way. It feels like a double-dose not only of commitment but also of clarity. Again, it always surprises me how clear and strong I feel while I’m fasting.

All that being said, sometimes in the evenings when I’ve broken my fast (like tonight), I find my eyes drooping and my body just wanting to fall asleep. And I ask myself, “Who am I to say no to my sweet body, which sustains me so well, day in and day out?”

So I go to bed.

Sleep well.

Prairie Dog flossing

And P.S.: Prairie Dog was underneath my pick yet again today. So I’m keeping this little guy in my thoughts.

(T-976)