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Dolphin reversed/Jaguar

I suspect this is going to be anti-climactic, since I’ve delayed writing about it for two days; nevertheless, here is the short tale of how my “pick” for the day on Sunday started the ball rolling toward this mammoth freaking blogging extravaganza. Commitment.

As I mentioned in my Devotion post, when I asked Karl (my husband), how we could best honor our son, Karl’s, life, the “answer” immediately flashed in my head: “Karl must do art and I must write.” I knew it in an instant, and I knew it to be true.

But of course this seemed obvious to me. Our son was relentlessly creative – and probably more talented than both of his parents combined. So yeah, I understood why each of us engaging in our favored creative outlets would be the best way to “honor” his life. So, even though I knew this “answer” had flashed distinctly into my mind, I wasn’t convinced the answer was pure.

Following this initial conversation, Karl and I fell silent, lost in our private thoughts, savoring our early morning coffee, and ultimately choosing our Medicine Cards^© for the day. As I described in my “Devotion” post, the intention I held as I chose my cards for the day was specifically, “How can I be of greatest service to the memory of my Bug Pie?” And thus, I chose Dolphin reversed with Jaguar underneath.

As I’ve described before, Karl and I have chosen Medicine Cards^©virtually every day for the past 28 years or so. We take the top card we choose as the main card for our day, and we look to the bottom card for “context” or to help us understand better the application or interpretation of the top card. I’ve also described how I make a point of reading the entire description of the top card chosen, in spite of the fact that we’ve been engaging in this practice every day for so many years. (For expediency’s sake, though, we never read the bottom card – we just take into account our general knowledge of the essential characteristics of that card and see if it helps us understand what the top card is telling us.)

As I read Dolphin, I was acutely aware this day of the irony that Dolphin begins with these words:

“Dolphin speaks to us of the breath of life, the only thing that humans cannot go without for more than a few minutes. We can live without water and food for days, but oxygen is the source of our sustenance. …”

Hmmm, yes. It was oxygen, specifically, that Karl was forced to go without – at his peril.

The next part of the essay on Dolphin that spoke to me was:

“Dolphin was given a new job. He became the carrier of messages of our progress. (…) This can be a time when you are to link with Great Spirit and bring answers to your own questions or to those of others.”

The reversal of Dolphin didn’t make a lot of sense to me vis-à-vis my question, except when I read:

“Pay close attention to your health and your feelings. (…) Another message of contrary Dolphin is that many signals are carried through universal tides or waves, and you may be failing to use your sonar.”

It was at this point that the specific word Devotion first came to mind. It popped into my head and I knew without question that I’d not been paying attention to my feelings. I’ve felt something big approaching, some profound change in the nature or scope of my healing work, or my teaching, or perhaps even my writing (which if I’m honest has languished since publishing Owl Medicine in 2001), but I wasn’t “getting it.” I’ve honestly been wondering what “change” was on the horizon, yearning for it to be revealed.

I wasn’t getting it. Or maybe, I wasn’t doing it.

Yet it wasn’t simply the sense that I’ve been ‘failing to use my sonar’ (or failing to listen to what I should be focusing upon and acting upon it). It was also the fact that Jaguar was “underneath,” coloring and adding nuance to this scenario. Jaguar – an archetype profoundly dear to me, both personally and in my work in the shamanic realm. Jaguar – which represents, for me at least, the qualities of integrity and impeccability; qualities that I aspire to live by and hold as the guiding standards for my behavior; qualities that perhaps I wasn’t applying to the message being sent by Dolphin.

It was then that I realized that, yes, the best way I could be of greatest service to Karl’s memory is to write – to not only engage in my creative outlet but in so doing be a “message carrier” – but that I must do so with the integrity and impeccability I hold so dear: I must engage this writing with DEVOTION.

This was (and is) big for me, as I give my writing the least priority of anything else I do.

Thus, as I read Dolphin and its reversal, and coupled it with the exacting standards of Jaguar underneath, I had the feeling that I am being called to a Devotion; to engage in an Act of Power in Karl’s honor: writing a blog post every single day, no matter how long or short, for at least one year.

So where did the leap to 1111 days come from?

Tomorrow. I’ll save that part for tomorrow.

(T-1107)

Marking an Anniversary

Yesterday marked the seventh anniversary of my eldest son, Karl’s, very sudden and unexpected death. He drowned alone in a hot spring in the No-Man’s-Land of the California desert on the west side of the Chocolate Mountains. He was 30 years old.

I awakened yesterday to text messages from several amazing friends and a handful of family members, each reaching out and assuring me via electronic hugs and tender words that he is remembered. That Karl existed. That he mattered.

Half an hour later I read these kind wishes out loud as my husband Karl and I sipped coffee and looked at each other across the living room, sunlight refracting through cut-glass crystal ornaments hanging in our windows casting rainbow dogs throughout the room. Magic amid sorrow.

Yearning to Honor His Life

“How can we honor Karl’s life?” I asked his father, my husband of 38 years. The answer flashed in my awareness before the final word of my question made its way across the room.

“I don’t know?” his furrowed brow indicating he didn’t want to hazard a guess.

“Yeah, you do. We both do.” I searched his face, my eyes locking with his, knowing he, too, knew instantly. In that moment. As soon as I’d voiced the question.

“Our art?” he asked, doubt dusting the edges of his response.

“Yes,” I affirmed, my heart beating just a little bit faster because he really did know it, too. “Your painting. My writing.”

We just sat there. Looking at each other. “Creation. Creativity. It’s what he was all about. It’s what LIFE is all about,” I added. “And we need to do it without any regard for its ‘worth’ to others. We just need to do it.”

Minutes later, we picked our Medicine Cards^© for the day, finished our coffee, and moved forward, silently contemplating what exactly this might mean for each of us.

1111 Devotion – An Act of Power

For me, the cards I chose reinforced the answer to my question. Indeed, they added a specificity that, along with other synchronous indicators I’d encountered within the past 12 days (but only put together yesterday afternoon), resulted in the blog post you are reading right now. My first blog post in 11 months.

Almost always, I choose cards each morning with Karl, over coffee, silently asking, “How can I be of highest service to my self today?” How I came to realize the importance of this question (and how unselfish it actually is, in spite of how it sounds) is perhaps something I’ll address another day. But yesterday, my question was different. It was, “How can I be of greatest service to Karl’s memory?”

I chose Dolphin reversed with Jaguar underneath.

As I will explain, this led me to realize that I am being called to engage in an Act of Power: an act of Devotion, if you will. According to the World Book Dictionary, a definition of devotion is “…3. The act of devoting or setting apart to a sacred use or purpose; solemn dedication; consecration.” Mmm, yes. That feels right.

This blog will be my visible devotion to my son’s memory. My Act of Power. For the next 1111 days, I will create a post. Some may only be a sentence long, for that may be all I can muster. Some may, and let’s face it, almost certainly will, be much longer. The topics may wander all over the map; there is no consistent theme to these future posts, at least from my perspective at this moment, at the outset of this journey. And considering that these posts will take me – us, if you join me – to November 26^th, 2021, I probably cannot even imagine the topics that will arise for me to discuss.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I am daunted by the discipline this will take.

But I will listen to the message. I will engage in this act of devotion to my son’s memory. And so, I begin.