A Word

Tigger (looking like how I feel) – Photo: L. Weikel

It’s weird. The past four years have felt like a never ending slog across the Arctic tundra. Buffeted by gale force winds that seemed to threaten to freeze our faces off, we nevertheless persisted. We endured the daily challenges to credulity. In spite of threats and breaches no one truly imagined we’d encounter, we managed to survive. And now…now I search for a word.

I’m looking for the word that captures the strange feeling I’ve been trying to discern and name since awakening Thursday. Honestly, I thought I’d figure it out and shed the feeling after a couple of days. But it’s persisting. And I’m not sure what to do with it.

One word that pops into my head but may not truly capture what I’m feeling is ennui. That word might also be popping into my head simply because I like the look and sound of it. It’s a neat word.

Merriam-Webster defines ennui as: noun. a feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction.

Moving Forward

Yeah, I can get onboard with that definition. At least, I can affirm that ennui captures at least part of what I’ve been flirting with over the past couple of days.

A more visceral description of how I feel might be what it’s like when I watch Tigger stalk a mouse. He will patiently stand on our stove top for what could be hours at a time. (We have a gas range and the little jerks occasionally – especially during the winter – make forays into our kitchen via this very old fashioned appliance.)

He’ll wait and wait and wait. Once the poor little mouse thinks the coast is clear, it’ll poke its head out and Tigger will snag it with his paw and flip it to the floor. If it darts behind the water bowl or into the open cupboard housing Spartacus’s leash, he’ll relish another opportunity to stalk. But once the critter is caught, I can almost see Tigger shrug. Meh. His work here is done.

I can’t tell you how many somewhat traumatized (yet living and breathing) mice I’ve taken outside and told to find a new home if they don’t want to endure this again.

I sort of feel like Tigger. And I’m not sure what I need or want to do to move past this sense of…ennui.